Monday 28 December 1998
I am baaack!
A big thank you to all who wished
me a merry Christmas. You know what? It worked! Yay! I've had this
wondrous, glorious, beautiful holiday. And my birthday was great too
(except for that pathetic song, but hey, it was probably the best he
could do in five minutes). All in all this must have been one of the
happiest weeks in my entire life. Not because of the physical gifts
I got (those I've opened so far, were insignificant) but because of the
deep loving friendship that I felt both in giving and receiving.
In particular I feel a lot better about having made it abundantly clear
for a special friend of mine that she is in fact special
to me. After all these years I think it was definitely time to show it
somehow. I have a real problem with reaching out to other people. I
don't think I shall spare the space to explain why, suffice to say that
my first 9 years in school thought me to not trust other people. Things
have very slowly normalized in the 25 years since. But I still spend
a lot of time in this invisible bubble (or force field, if you will)
where I only react, not act. I think I generally react quite well, so
I tend to get away with it nicely. Still, the phone receiver is
heavier than my double-sized bed when I try to pick it up to call someone.
Even sending an e-mail first (as opposed to replying) is half a nights
work. So showing my true feelings was a really lorry-lifting experience.
Big thanks to a certain penfriend (who is probably reading this) who
helped me work up my courage (such as it is) and convinced me that I
would survive.
And no, I've not proposed to anybody. I can tell you right here and
now that I'm never going to do that. I need to love, I like to be loved,
and I wish I could be with someone I love all day and night, in good
times and bad. But I'm not desperate, I was made with the option of
living alone (unlike many other people) with no apparent damage to my
sanity (in fact it has improved over the years, believe it or not).
Throw in the fact that I'm finally starting to feel noticeably less
horny. (Well, noticeable to me - it may seem different to others as
I adjust my inner restraints accordingly.)
Anyway, I'm back. My throat is sore, my stomach is in a state of revolt,
and my euphoria is evaporating. But I'm still me.
Visit the Diary Farm for the diaries I've put out to pasture until they
buy the farm:
November 1998