Saturday 8 April 2006

Pic of the day: Instead, enjoy this picture from inside the cathedral of Stendarr in the city of Chorrol, Cyrodiil. A place for quiet meditation and healing.

Breaking promises

I broke a promise today, to an old friend. This is the second time I have broken a promise to him. The first time was years ago, when we were both fairly young. That time, it was necessary. Even back then I could not really see the future; but I could see that much. Today... today it was just common human considerateness.

***

Ever since I was a child, promises have been important to me. I was no more than a gradeschooler when I found a small book about astrology in our home. (My family were as crazy for books as I was, so having such a book in the house did not in any way imply belief.) I read about Capricorn, my birth sign, and the one part of the description that I latched on to and that briefly caused me to take astrology seriously (as a small kid, remember) was this: "A given promise is considered sacred."

It didn't take long before I realized that these popular astrology handbooks simply listed so many positive personality traits (and a few less flattering ones too) that any normal person could latch on to one of them, probably more than one. In the case of Capricorn, the overall description does not fit me at all. I am not particularly materialistic by human standards; and while I do have a theoretic interest in economics, I am not a businesslike person. I may be down to earth for a mystic, but that's the most you can say in that direction. But I do consider my given promises sacred. What decent person wouldn't?

Even if you do break promises, as I did today, you probably don't do it just for fun. You probably think that you had a very good reason (even if no one else thinks so). You probably think there are other people who don't consider their words sacred, because as far as you can see they had no good reason for changing their mind. Even when they give a reason, the reason is not very good. When people don't accept your very good reason for having to break your word (much to your regret), they just don't understand. You are not some kind of liar! Well, neither am I.

Perhaps reading about this when I was just a child made me more conscious of it. Certainly it became a cornerstone of my identity. I saw myself as one who would keep his promises to God and humans alike, even at a great cost. And it has sometimes cost me. If I promised to buy something -- or even strongly implied it -- and later found out that I couldn't afford it, I would still find a way to buy it. If I promised to avoid something, I would earnestly try to do so for the rest of my life, even after I realized that it was harmless and my promise was based on a misunderstanding. And so on with most anything, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. "First, do no harm."

***

As for my old friend, he once ran a small farm west of here. He joined the Christian Church (or "Christlike Church" as it can also be read, which was a popular reading of it when I was there). At first cautiously, for he was like myself a rational man not given to flights of fancy in his dealings with people and the things around him. (I really am not; my flights of fancy are reserved for creative writing, computer games, that sort of things.) And he was definitely not a Capricorn, for his 50 years birthday is what is celebrated today. It is celebrated in the local house of the Church in Kristiansand. He has moved here some years ago. In fact, we now live in the same neighborhood, roughly. I could easily go from here to there on an evening's visit. But I don't, and I doubt I ever shall.

I have nothing against the Christlike Church and the Christlike people who go there. They strive for holiness, well that is the default. Some of them no doubt just conform, but it often takes a long time before it is revealed who, and even then you may be wrong. But due to that very personal nature of their religion – some of them speak outright about becoming the Bride of Christ – it is hard for a stranger, or even an old friend, to be there and not disturb their peace.

Each of us acts a little differently when alone compared to the company of even a spouse. (Or so my secret powers tell me.) A married couple will often act differently in the presence of even their own children (and the children will thank the Light for that when they are old enough to know it at all). A family will act differently when even friends are present, and a group of friends will act differently when strangers are present. Even a group of strangers will act a little differently when a policeman or taxman is present. There are probably more such degrees of separation than we think about.

Be that as it may, even up to this afternoon I was intent on going. I even bought a present, of a suitable sort for such an occasion. But as the hour drew closer, it became harder and harder to keep up my resolve. I kept thinking about how it would feel for the others in the Church to have an alien observer there, one who knew so much about them and yet understood so little. And I thought about how it must feel for his family, especially for his wife. She was there the last time I broke my promise to him, too, although she was not his wife by then. Or even engaged or going out (not that the Friends go out, or date, that kind of thing.) In fact, it was only us three there. And then they were only two. This time he has all his friends and his own family around him, I am sure. And for their sake, I stay home.