Thursday 15 March 2001

Shadow of death

My mother has passed away. Died. Finally, I almost have to add. I know she would not like to just waste away for months and years, with barely any awareness of what was going on. I know that is the fate of all too many, and I'm thankful it did not end that way.

It is not like a shock or anything. The tumor in her brain had been killing her slowly for a long time. We - or at least I - thought she was dying in October when I visited her. Oh, and my father was with her at the last. Isn't it typical. They were inseparable - till death did them part.

***

In better news, I dare say, I visited the dermatologist at 12:15 today. I decided that 3 months to the day was enough for them to find out whether that birthmark had been malign or not. At first the doctor's assistant seemed confused, claiming that only two items had been removed, while there were actually three. This was not too inspiring. I was tempted to tell her that my mother was dying from melanoma, and I did not want to take any chances. What I did not know was how accurate that was. Anyway, I decided to just calmly explain that it was important for me to know what had happened to that particular birthmark, the one where they had to sew the wound. Armed with this clue, she found the reply from the hospital. As expected (since I had not heard anything) it was a harmless keratosis.

It is certainly an irony, that while I was the one who urged my mother to have her "birthmark" removed, I waited pretty long with my own. (Not as long as she, though.) But that's the way it is, right? We don't really want to think that it can happen to us. But of course sooner or later something gets us. Eternal life is a religious issue, not a medical one.

***

I have talked to my boss, who basically said I was free to walk right out the door and phone them later when I wanted to be back. I have loads of vacation waiting, so I may take some days from that if needed, but we also have contractual rights to some time off in these cases. I shall have to discuss the details later with the personnel manager, who was off skiing today.

The communications from here to there are unimpressive, to say the least. Last time I travelled on a Saturday, and if possible I will avoid that this time. Actually, last time I came to Førde, where the local hospital is. There is no reason I should go there this time. And to Askvoll you simply cannot come on a Saturday, to the best of my knowledge, unless you travel on Friday and spend the day in Bergen. I expect I shall talk this over with my relatives when they know the time of the funeral. I definitely want to be there. (Not that she is going to be in mine, but you have only so many parents.)

***

I may be overdoing things a bit with all this black background and stuff. I do not really expect to grieve to any great extent. Not because I am a callous and unfeeling person, or at least not just because of that. But she's had this cancer recurring since I was a teen. I've taken the final farewell pretty much every time I have taken a farewell at all for the last twenty years. So to put it bluntly, I am kind of used to it. It's different for those who lived with her for all those years. She wasn't a living dead or anything, you know, for all those years. So yes, it is harder for those who lived on the farm. They're not used to live without her. I am.

And don't take this as being overly cynical, but losing a parent is far better than losing a child. It is at least the right order of things, even if the timing is off by a few years. Thinking it over, I'm surprised by how many I know who have lost a child, either early in life or later. At least my mother did not live to see any of us four take that voyage without her. I can imagine how that would have hurt her. It is, after all, better this way.

Though I'm not taking out the champagne. In part because I don't have any champagne, and don't even like it. But also because it's not really fun. I'm a christian of sorts, and so was she. If this religion is saying what I think, chances are she's safe now; and will be back on a new and improved planet sometime in the future when all our backups are restored. Even should she walk through the valley of the shadow of death, she need fear no evil. Still, it is a somber passage.