Sunday 25 June 2006

Pic of the day: Dark dreams. Dark and scary and red and tempting...

Sexual dreams

Today I literally had a daydream. Because of my breathing difficulties lately, I can no longer sleep long periods as my lungs clog up. So I sleep shorter bouts when I feel that I can breathe freely. This afternoon I was sleeping like that, and dreamed. So literally it is a daydream. I think it is the first time in my long life that I have had a spontaneous orgasm while sleeping during the day. I'm not sure it is worth a celebration, though.

Since you are so curious – or perhaps it's just me who would have been that, in your place, but anyway I'll do unto others what I'd wanted them to do unto me, right? - I'll recount my rather vague memory of the dream. Incidentally, you should probably stop reading if you expect to meet me in real life and look me in the eyes. Or work with me, I guess, not that I'm dreaming about you.

I dreamed that I was with a bunch of diplomats on some kind of official errand, and there was a cute female diplomat or perhaps she was the wife of a diplomat, I'm not sure... my dreams are not as pious as I am and may well take lightly on the whole neighbor's wife thing. Some danger came on, not quite James Bond level but enough to make grown people justifiably nervous. I protected the fluffy Ms Diplomat. It was while we were escaping something that it happened. We had to slide down a long slope, kinda like the slides small kids play with in playgrounds, but much longer and in some kind of pastel plastic. We didn't question why it was there. I held on to her in an embarrassingly intimate way as we kept sliding and sliding, and well... I guess I just exploded. Very premature, but hey, you never know how long a dream is going to last.

Actually I've never gotten around to actually copulating in any of my wet dreams ever. They always end before I even get clothes off, mine or theirs. I understand that this is a very common occurrence, or was back when people still had wet dreams. These days most men make sure to masturbate so frequently that there is no need for such a release, I think.

Well, the exception would be deeply religious men, but then again deeply religious men don't admit to having sexual dreams. Or at least I can't remember having heard it. Perhaps they think sexual dreams are impure. Well, they are right on target there: In the law of Moses, it is written that if it goes seed from a man when he sleeps alone at night, he shall bathe all over and be unclean until sunset. But this is a hygiene rule, just like with rashes and such. Rashes are not evil, and neither are sexual dreams. But of course if you joyfully replay them in your head, Jesus is unlikely to applaud it! The fact that these things happen, however, is God's good will. Besides, they are exceptionally informative.

In my case, for instance, my sexual dreams have shaped my whole life.

(OK, not really... I would probably have decided the same anyway, but it sounds more dramatic like this. Like I'm sacrificing myself for the good of womankind, rather than just being lazy.)

***

This, admittedly, is because my sexual dreams are mostly evil. Today's was in fact abnormally cuddly and nice, in that I simply took advantage of a chaotic situation to get some pillowy moments. Usually it is worse than that. The vast majorities of them include actively humiliating or restraining women. Well, it is usually women, especially the last decades. I'm not exactly a sadist – causing pain turns me off really bad – but dominating makes me ready to explode in no time. And there is never any question about their wishes; they are objects, bodies simply. It hardly matters whether they are conscious or not at the end... sometimes I can't really say when looking back at the dream.

This does NOT motivate me to have my misshapen penis surgically corrected, let me assure you. No matter how much the world may need my superior genes, I'm not trusting myself with sex after having seen in my dreams what I really like. Yes, I know some girls would not mind getting a collar and a leash on and being marched to the bedroom on all fours. But I sincerely doubt they'd enjoy it still after two weeks, not to mention 20 years. While I probably would ... my dreams haven't really improved over all these decades. Unless you count this one, which wasn't quite as bad as average.

The day I start having wet dreams about cuddling and kissing, I'll consider signing up for one of those "find your soulmate" engines. But I sincerely doubt it will happen in this lifetime, more's the pity. Thank God I was created from scratch with every ability to enjoy life alone.

So, the fact that I have evil sex dreams means that I am evil, right? Hmm... that's a tough one. Actually I don't need the dreams to tell me that. I know that I am evil inside. But I don't agree with that evil. I fight it. Not just inappropriate lust, but anger, greed, malice and cowardice. These are all natural human tendencies gone awry. I have to monitor myself, take care, not trust my own goodness. Sex is actually the least of it. Since I never got into the habit, I don't react spontaneously. So when I actually did get a drunk college girl plopping into my arms, I didn't do anything I would regret.

Incidentally, this fetish with dominating and humiliating people isn't simply an inexplicable evil that randomly emerged from Hell. It is very understandable. It is a sign of extreme lack of confidence and trust. And that's me exactly: I am a person who trusts no one unless I have them on a leash. Not even myself.