Friday 25 June 2004

Pic of the day: Detail from screenshot, from the anime Midori no Hibi. This particular picture is from a scene where three people are together at a cafe, and the most important character is one who isn't there. I just thought it fit the occasion...

The lunch

She called me late in the morning, asking that I eat lunch with her and her younger sister the Cutie. Who called? The girl I have loved for so many years, the one I call "Superwoman". (Actually I used to call her "Supergirl" but she asked me to change that some years ago.) As I wrote about before, she called me a few weeks ago for the first time in a long while, telling me about having (finally, I should say) got a boyfriend her own age who she feels like keeping. Well, it did not exactly crush my heart. She is, after all, so much younger than me. She was just barely looking over the edge of the living room table when I first noticed her.

There are many types of love. This was a love consisting of friendship, admiration, and caring. It was not a love of need and passion. But type is not always consistent with degree. I don't think I have ever loved anyone so much for so long. She has a special place in my heart. Seeing her now as separate from myself was strange. But of course she was still the same person, only with a bunch of small photographs of her boyfriend. I'm not jealous, although there was a time when I worried that I might be when this happened. That would have been stupid, but hearts are known to do stupid things. This causes a lot of grief and some good literature. But none of that applies to me.

***

I was ten minutes late because my digestion was acting up again this day. They were only five minutes late so for a change they were waiting for me. We had agreed to meet at GLIPP, the trendy informal restaurant in the library building. It is a hip, urban place with bagels, salads and small pasta courses. Perhaps not quite as hip and urban as Herlig Land, the new place right across the plaza, but open and accessible. If you're in Kristiansand, I recommend GLIPP for an informal date or even a business lunch in the New Economy. (Actually that's pretty much the only economy in Norway where people do lunch ... it is a traditional Norwegian value to eat bread with cheese together with your co-workers. The bread with cheese is prepared at home in the morning. Norwegians used to be food puritans, but this is slowly fading.)

Of course Superwoman was still herself, even though she was practically engaged. And I am myself too, even though ... well, why not? So we had lots of fun talking about the Da Vinci code and the role of Maria Magdalene in early Christianity. Even Cutie was now considering reading the Bible, which is impressive considering their parents are Christians. Cutie didn't say much, however, as she rarely does when SW is present. Few are those who say much when she is present, and Cutie rarely even tries.

I hadn't seen them for almost a year. I wasn't with them during Christmas last year, which I frankly regret now. Not because of SW. I had expected to miss her just a little – I don't miss anyone deeply – but I was surprised to find that it was not her I was thinking about the most. Oh well. That's all spilled milk under the bridge, as they say.

I got updated on all major developments in the family. Who was moving where, who had kids, who was breaking up, how bad that is, all the usual stuff that comes with a large and close-knit family. It seems the Great Earth Mother is still single. Aww. Of course, she always suspected me of being in love with SW, and before that they both suspected me of being in love with Old Friend, her oldest sister, who incidentally has now just babied AGAIN.

We had three different salads, I had a Greek salad with olives and Feta cheese, which I really like. Perhaps I'll go there again someday. But of course I was only able to eat about half. You would not think that, looking at me, but my stomach is very limited. I can eat plenty of small meals through the day, but not one large. The girls tease me for eating like a sparrow; I think they still suspect me of just pretending. Well, it doesn't matter.

***

After a really long lunch we said goodbye. They were so beautiful, in body and soul. To have had such friends is a privilege. And it is not like I chose them as my friends. I never do. I never reach out to others. Am I going to change that now? Should I? I don't know.

There was a sense of closure this day. Like passing an exam. Oh yes, I passed. I had worried that my compassion was just passion, that my love was just lust. But it wasn't. I feel good. But as so often with an exam, I haven't really thought about what would happen afterwards. I am just standing here, seeing them leave, and I don't know where to go from here. I think this is called freedom. They say freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose, but I think it is also another word for so much to win. I just don't know what, or where ... or who.