Sunday 4 February 2001

Pic of the day: The fields are frozen in winter.

(Uhm, no, this is not depression. This is existentialism. I think.)

God or imaginary friend?

The Lord just reminded me to close an air-hole, I think. There are various such in the outer walls to ventilate closed rooms. This one is in to the dry storage room for food and such. To prevent the water there from freezing, it better be shut now, for the last days have been quite cold. I had actually written this task down on Cassie earlier in the day, but I need to look up Cassie to notice such things. Not so with the Lord. The Lord looks up me instead. Perhaps.

You know, living with the Lord is a lot like living with a parent. You're reminded to wash your clothes before you have none left, and told to not eat too much unhealthy tortilla chips, and you almost never feel really alone. (Only during panic attacks, but then again even Jesus felt alone during a panic attack. I have a good idea of how he felt in that garden, though I guess it may have been even worse for him. Lord knows. And, uhm, he says yes, it was worse.)

Then again, I'm not quite absolutely certain that it's the right Lord. Where are the miracles? And why in the name of all that's good and holy would a good and holy Lord have anything to do with a guy like me anyway? I must confess I'm a bit nervous about the whole thing.

***

An online friend once said that being a christian must be a lot like living in a role-playing game. Magic, supernatural entities, and having a role in the big conflict between Good and Evil. Yeah, I guess so. But these years, my life is pretty much human. I guess it's in part my own choice. But that's who I am, now. Human. Hardly an ordinary human, but still. The less I see of the cosmic battle, the better I feel. Meeting the people who sense evil spirits all around (like my puritan friend with the toilet "repair") doesn't really encourage me. I wish no part in it.

When I was a kid, I found the Bible fascinating. We didn't have a complete Bible, but my father eventually bought one, as I was struggling with a half-Danish one with missing pages and a terribly difficult language. Later my brother's friends from "Smith's Friends" talked to me about perfection, about the possibility to become transformed, changed beyond recognition - to take part in divine nature. They didn't just make it up either, I found it all in the Bible, in those parts that were too hard to read before. I wanted that. I wanted to become more than human. Not sure that is the best way to become a christian, though ... it reminds me more than a little of the way Eve and Adam felt about their own lifestyle change.

Not to worry. My hubris was only allowed for a while. Soon enough God started to scare the bejeezes out of me. After something like a year, I realized that I had to change my life ... that I couldn't just do whatever I wanted. Or I'd go to Hell instead of Heaven. I did not want to burn forever in Hell[1], so I really tried to shape up. But it was hard. And I had no clear idea what was important and what was not. Small things loomed large, while my concern for other people was close to zero. It was all about me getting saved, dammit, as if I had time to bother about other people's problems too!

***

Many years have passed, and things have changed. In particular, I suspect, it is I who have changed. I am more moderate in many ways. And in particular, I am much more humble. Yes, that means I was shockingly arrogant when I was young. If you don't believe that, I'm sure I can get my brothers to testify. There wasn't much mercy for other people's failures. And each day was a struggle to impress others with my superb intellect. Not least by using words that were rare and preferably unknown by others, but also generally showing off my rare knowledge. (In all fairness, I did not get all this knowledge for that purpose in the first place. I was just very curious, as children tend to be.) And of course, I would brag and stretch my own deeds and dismiss and belittle others with all my might.

Things have changed, they certainly have. Yes, I am still aware that I'm much more intelligent than the average human. But now I am also aware that I have failed to do anything worthwhile with that intelligence. I never took any college education beyond what I was ordered to by my employer; I didn't think I needed to. I taught myself programming in many different languages; but the only great work I achieved was the debt collecting suite. I know for certain that companies around the country have saved / earned millions by using the software I made; but is that really what I wanted to do with my life?

Above all, I have found that my intelligence has no moral value at all. It helps me understand much more than the average bear, but understanding is not doing. The problem isn't knowing what to do, but doing it. The problem of sin isn't that God does or doesn't do this or that. The problem with sin is that it is too darned fun. While I no longer feel any pleasure by hurting others, there's still a lot of egotism that is just plain delicious. Every time I prioritize myself above others, I get a powerful positive feedback from inside my own brain. It feels good to snack, it feels good to shop, it feels good to play. The moron thinks "Oh, this feels good!" and I think "Oh, this releases a lot of neurotransmitters" but the effect is the same.

***

If I really knew God, I wouldn't sin. The Bible is pretty clear on that. But I sin routinely. Every time I love myself more than others, I'm breaking a fundamental commandment. And I don't just do that once in a blue moon; it is a lifestyle, to the degree that I have a hard time even imagining anything else. There is only one ... OK, perhaps two or three, that I love like myself. Certainly not the whole mob of fellow underachievers out there.

I think I believe that Jesus was raised from the dead. But if I really thought that he's alive and recruiting, would I spend half a day playing Civ2? I very much doubt that. I believe only to a degree. To a very human degree. I wonder if I have reduced the Lord to an imaginary friend, of the type that children create to help their loneliness. On the other hand, I am not at all convinced that imaginary friends are not Jesus, come to reach out to lonely small hearts.

I wish I could do something like that.

---

([1]: The Biblical support for eternal suffering is actually quite uncertain, and seems to rely on interpretation. Eternal death is another matter entirely, but then again that's the default value for atheists so it's not exactly controversial. I didn't know that, though. I even dreamt about Hell.)