Wednesday 25 April 2001

Pic of the day: Portrait of the artist as a stubborn man. Or something.

Stubborn as a RAM

So today I took the Toshiba Satellite 2520 laptop to the shop and had the friendly people there put in 128MB more RAM - Random Access Memory. However, it seems to be a bit too random for my taste ... the extra memory has not shown up even once since, despite various ingenious ways of rebooting the machine. Of course, it is a Toshiba so it is shoddy by design. Still, I had hoped that adding one single RAM card would be possible. Live and learn.

Tomorrow, if my health permits, I'll be back and ask them to try with a 64MB card. It is quite possible that the machine simply cannot handle that large amounts of memory. Heh. It is after all two years old, and a Toshiba.

***

I'm all sniffly today, and my throat is sore. As it has been since the weekend. What an irony that I barely even touch her, and I still get most of the same icky sickyness. It just ain't fair. Of course, if I got what I deserved I might be dead now, so I'm not complaining. But for this particular case seen isolated, I seem to have got the short end of the stick, as they say.

Well, you know I've been patient,
I've been feeling pretty strong;
you know what I've been saying all along:
You win some, then you lose some,
in the end it all goes around.
But lately, I've been losing more than I've found.

Cato Sanden, Midnight Train.

Heh. Country music is the best for drinking, but I haven't had the foresight to buy liquor. And undiluted self pity is too bitter for my taste. Or as the Human Thing would put it: "Rock on!"

It's all right, I'm not lost
I've got a reading on the Southern Cross,
and I've been listening to the radio
for signs of new life.
Some people find the game too tough
and there are those who've simply had enough
but I'm still here and I'm not giving up,
I'm going the distance.

Whatever it takes, I have to fight
to build a better world, and make it right.
And when I am alone - it's late at night -
I reach out and you're right here by my side.

Chris de Burgh, By my side.

***

I guess I come across as a cold fish much of the time. I may have strong emotions, but not very nuanced. Mostly, as I have said, fear or happiness. And, especially in times past, anger. Or perhaps rather a thirst for vengeance. (I've since learned that anger comes from unrealistic expectations, from hoping too much.) I can't always win, and not always have a prize. But I can always retreat and regroup, as long as I live to fight again another day.

And today, which has (to be honest) really stressed me out while I'm sick here and there, I retreat deep within my own lines. And I reach out into that dimension that is at right angles with our three dimensions. And I feel the energy flow through me, pulse after pulse of cold white fire, making the goosebumps chase each other across the body. Once again I remember.

I've got every reason to be high,
I've got a place in the Heaven beyond
I've got dreams to live
and I've got love to give
and I know it in my heart and soul,
where we will be going.

Chris de Burgh, Where we will be going.