Tuesday 24 April 2001

Pic of the day: No sign of spring yet, so I'll spend the evening navel-gazing as usual...

Sometimes I wonder

So today I was going through a stack of printouts - of which there were a couple hundred - and fitting them with the original documents that requested them. While doing so, I was politely interrupted by a coworker, who asked about one of these in particular. "You mean this one?" I asked and handed her the one I was currently holding, which was that one.

Sometimes I wonder what they think about me. But not for long.

A bit later in the day, another coworker was stopping by. I was on the calling (intern phone) right then, so she had a bit of time to look around. That is not necessarily good for your mental health, at my office. As I finished my previous task, she commented on the multitude of strange objects there. She pointed out several shopping bags from Løkka, a high quality men's clothing store. "Are those clothes you have bought and not unpacked yet?" she asked with a grin. "Yes" I said, as this was the truth. Well, actually I have looked at them, but that's pretty much it. She stared at me in horror as she realized that I was not kidding.

Sometimes I wonder what they think about me. But not for long.

Coming home from work, I passed a neighbor wife standing outside smoking. (Yes, tobacco is kind of retreating here too, albeit slowly.) I said politely "hello", she absolutely ignored me as if I were not there. My first impulse was that she must have found out one of my dark secrets. Heh. I don't have much to do with the neighbors, as you see. And it's unlikely to pick up in the near future either.

Sometimes I wonder what they think about me. But not for long.

***

I live a quite straight life and spend almost all my spare time alone. Even when I am with other people, usually at work, I tend to just wait for them to say something. If necessary encourage them a bit. I rarely miss anyone (like in, not every year) and I am almost never bored except sometimes with my job. And I never fall in love. Yet in an online forum, I roleplay a character which is shy, lonely, and easily smitten by humanoid cuties. And I roleplay him quite believably, from the feedback I get. Then again, I've roleplayed women believably elsewhere.

Sometimes I wonder what they think about me. But not for long.

I don't exactly bare it all on the Net, but my reports are not carefully edited to polish my public image, either. Those who have waded through my archives should have a pretty good idea of my beliefs, my habits, my ideological leanings, my sexual perversions and my neuroses, such as they are. I try to balance the personal stuff so that I don't give overdue weight to my dark sides or my bright ones. But of course, people will read each with their own eyes.

Sometimes I wonder what they think about me. But not for long.

I think over time it evens out. Some people may think too highly of me, others may despise me overmuch. Or the same people may do first one, then another. But they can all live without me, so it is no crisis. Let them have time. I won't struggle to keep a facade, not ever again. Hypocricy is not for the lazy, and the pay is bad.