Sunday 14 September 2008

Pic of the day: "I've become a terrifying person." I'll go hide from myself now, thank you very much.

Missing the Church

When we make life decisions, we need to look at the whole picture, or as much of it as we can see. So even if I love my friends, I still have to leave them when I become toxic to their growth, and they to mine. Not that I really ever leave a friend - rather, I just let them fade away. They will always exist in my heart. And so will the Church.

The Church, in this context, is DKM (which translates as "the Christian Church", purposely not very specific) but widely known as "Smith's Friends". (That would be Oscar Smith, no relation to Joseph. Oscar Smith was a Norwegian marine officer and more of a mystic than a charismatic.)

The Church was changing, and so was I, but not in the same direction. But even if not, I would probably have been best advised to quietly take my leave, for their intesely family-centered lifestyle is the exact opposite of my intensely solitary lifestyle. During my last years there I was frequently concerned that I might be taken as an example by those who were younger than me, so that they might try to follow me. That would not be possible for them, or at least only for one out of a thousand. (And I doubt a thousand of them would try - I wasn't quite that famous!)

But I remember fondly the Christian meetings we used to have. I do miss them, but I can't go there now because I would be a disturbance in the Force, scaring those who live on the fringe. I would not scare those who have gone into the eternal Sabbath while still alive - even if Satan came and sat down on the first row, they would hardly blink - but they are few and far between. And while I'm not exactly Satan, I am still a scary person these days, as regular readers will understand. There is an aura around me that makes consensus reality waver and make people uneasy. As well they should be.

But back before I came a terrifying person (at least to them - I probably already was to many others, as are they) I really benefited from our meetings. There was a serenity and a purity of purpose that I don't find elsewhere. When all went well, it was very much like what Andrew Cohen calls "enlightened communication beyond ego". (Cohen seems to have discover this independently. That makes him a much more terrifying person than me, obviously. Stay away! Stay away! They are making the perfect man!)

Enlightened Communication happens when people get together who have already largely overcome their ego, and they come together to reach out for the Truth that is greater than any one mind can hold. At that time, something emerges between them or among them, which even others can become included in, even though they have not come that far, as long as they have a heart for it. In this state of mind, one's ability to think is enhanced. One is still fully aware - more so than usual - but one's habitual thought processes (the default network?) is no longer used, instead one uses a different gateway to access information. The nature of this gateway is either the same or similar to revelation, in that it is immediate and clear, akin to observation but not to speculation.

You probably got to have been there. But it is not something I can forget, and I do miss it. And I do miss the peace that was so deep that I could literally remember forgotten dreams. I have never recreated that, here in my unofficial hermitage. It is a great loss, but we can't go back to that place now. It may not even exist, for the Church has also changed. And so have I. Many of the Elders have passed on to the hereafter. And I, I have come to some unthinkable place.