Thursday 11 November 2004

Pic of the day: I knew I would get to use this depressive picture some day! Screenshot from the anime Boys Be..., which incidentally is mostly much more positive. There is one episode about depression though, episode 10.

Where did the day go?

Don't ask me, I just live here. Or whatever it is I do.

I was up all night, wide awake, impossible to sleep, but possible to write, so good for something. I made ready to go to work around 8. And while waiting for the bus, immediately fell asleep in the chair. At some point transferred to bed and slept till near noon. Then off to work half day.

***

I also took a little time off to look in shop windows. Christmas is approaching, according to the god of this world, the gold coin. While walking there, I was hailed by some guy who remembered me from the time I was doing alternative service as a conscientious objector. (That's a pretty way of saying that I refused to serve in armed forces under the command of the supposed authorities of this world. Instead I spent the time helping alcoholics, which I don't regret, although it was of course futile.) I don't know if I really am this remarkable, to be remembered for 20 years, or whether these guys specialize in surviving by memorizing the faces of all gullible people they meet. I eventually gave him a few coins, supposedly for the bus. I am assured beyond mere belief that he drank it up, but in truth he could just have asked me for money for a beer. The more they drink, the less they are conscious during their hellish stay on this planet where they find no home. If possible, I would have helped them all over to the next world post haste, but there are certain moral (not to mention legal) repercussions about that. For them, no doubt, it would be the best, as they have already chosen to tune out this world for the duration of their stay.

After I stopped believing in everlasting pain in Hell (at least for others), I have a very relaxed attitude to people killing themselves. Regardless of the means, including liquor and cigs. (The guy also regaled me with a story about his newly discovered lung cancer. Since he had already gotten the money by then, it might just be true, though after years of constant brain poisoning the concept of truth is likely to be even more diluted than in the rest of us. That really says something.) Now don't get me wrong, I don't usually actively cheer on people who want to end their earthly existence. In part this is because those who actually do so don't tell me first, but mostly it is because the people who kill themselves are not the ones most people would like to see dead. Sad but true. The suicidal, like all sinners, don't know what they do. Only more drastically so than most of us. Impulsivity seems to be the key factor here. But I wasn't going to write about that.

***

Coming home way into the afternoon, as is good and proper when you go to work at noon, I expected myself to sleep for some hours. This did not come to pass. I napped briefly in my chair at some point. But basically, I cannot sleep outside office hours. It seems by now pretty much biologically impossible. I find this amusing in a tragicomic way. However, although technically awake, I did not get around to do anything useful, including writing a word on my novel. This may be just as well, given the effects lack of sleep has on my already unusual mind. Still, the short of it is that the day is gone and nothing has happened.

According to one of the muses in my head, we are all blundering around in the dark but some of us have better night vision. I don't really have much of an opinion on that, but I found it amusing.