Saturday 26 May 2007

I was born like this, I had no choice:
I was born with the gift of a golden voice.
And 27 angels from the great Beyond
they tied me to this table right here
in the Tower of Song.

Leonard Cohen, Tower of Song.

"I was born like this"

A surprisingly large number of my online friends are gay or lesbian, and then there are various other fetishes, from diapers to showing oneself naked on the Net. Being as a I was born a pervert myself (or at least was one by the age of 4 or so), I am nor particularly judgmental. But by the same token, I am not cutting them any extra slack. You want to be a perv, as long as you harm none that's no skin off my nose. But don't say that you have not chosen it, that it is not your responsibility, that you have to do this or that because you were born that way.

I mean, of course you were born that way. I'm not doubting that in the least, given my own experience. It seems unlikely, even supernatural, that one can be born with a certain sexual tendency. But I know for certain that one can at least have it deeply ingrained long before one has any choice or even the uniquely human self-awareness which makes us responsible for our own lives.

But at some point we grow up. Hopefully this happens before we become sexually active. We realize that actions have consequences, that other people are real, and that we have free will. Well, some people seem to not realize this as long as they live, especially the free will part. But usually that's just bluffing. They may claim that there is no free will, but if you try to take their freedom away, they become very upset.

So here is the deal. You can choose to not have sex. I am not sure a straight person can choose to have gay sex, or the other way around. I am not sure a furry type person can choose to have sex with a furless human. But I am sure that no matter what your sexuality, you can choose not to actually copulate with anyone. Sane people can even choose not to masturbate, though in that case they will have to live with heightened sexual awareness much of the time, at least men will.

It is true that sexuality is a biological drive, but it is not actually a biological need, the same way we need food and water and oxygen. Carefully controlled experiments through thousands of years (including years of my own life) show that sexual abstinence does not cause illness, insanity or spontaneous combustion. (Spontaneous erections, on the other hand – or even with no use of hands whatsoever – remains a problem for much of a man's life in such cases. Women probably get by easier, at least in so far as their enlarging body parts are not squeezed by tight clothes into a mass of throbbing pain and feel like they're breaking in half. I think. Feel free to correct me and I will update the entry accordingly.)

When you are hungry, you dream about food, but you wake up and are still hungry. When you are horny, you dream about sex, and you wake up and are not horny anymore. Well, less horny at least. Dream sex is pretty much as good as the real thing, certainly as far as your body is concerned, except of course you won't have any children that way. But the point is, you won't die a horrible, painful death from lack of sex, no matter what your sexual preferences and persuasion. At worst you will feel a discomfort on a similar level as a diabetic who can't eat sugar, or a gall bladder patient who can't eat fat.

"But why would I want to do that in the first place? Why spend my life in a state of mild but chronic discomfort, always feeling less than satisfied, always feeling that something is lacking?" Well, firstly because this is the state of human life. Even if you have sex every morning and night, even if you eat all you want, even if you are the ruler of all you survey... the human mind will always roll new wants, always see something else it can thirst for. And every time, it thinks: This is it. If only I could get this, I would be happy. Life would be perfect. I would always feel good. But that is not how being human works. And so, even your favorite sexual activity will not give you lasting happiness. It can just give you temporary joy and somewhat more satisfaction in your life.

"Well, why can't I have my temporary joy and some amount of satisfaction?" Well, there could be various reasons for this. The police could take a dim view of it, perhaps, or your god, or the spouse of your sex partner. You could infect or get infected with potentially fatal viruses. It might hurt the dog. Generally, the more different your sexual practice is from the norms of society, the more reason there usually is for it to be frowned upon. Of course, in some cases the disapproval may have historical reasons that no longer apply. Non-reproductive sex is no longer a constant threat to the existence of the human race... possibly the opposite, though I am less convinced than most that we are there yet. The transmission of diseases through sexual intercourse can be reduced virtually to nothing through unrelenting use of high-quality protective membranes.

It all boils down to this: Abstaining from sex does not make you a better person. Hurting others does make you a worse person, even if it is only emotional hurt. Hurting yourself is probably no good either, not even if it feels good at first. It really should be common sense, all this, but common sense and human sexuality can rarely hope for more than a truce at the best of times. Often they are mortal enemies.

If you harm no one, I certainly have no objection to you doing what you will with your genitals. Your god, conscience or higher self may beg to differ, but I am not them. I am neither qualified nor inclined to judge. But please, please. Don't say "I have to do this because I was born like this." That negates your free will, the very part of you which makes you human. Don't talk as if a human is just a slab of beef, or at best some random barnyard animal. It insults yourself and by extension all of us. You do something because you want to, fine. Because it feels good, fine. But not because you were born like this or that. We were all born with the ability – and even inclination – to do some things we should and some things we should not. We are all saints and sinners inside. Being able to choose, again and again, is our responsibility and our greatest gift. THAT is what we were born to.