Wednesday 28 March 2001

Pic of the day: Add one dimension, and you can suddenly go somewhere. (Yet another picture from the valley where I was born.)

A family of one (dimension)

Yesterday, as I updated my cast page, I used an expression that I'm not sure exists. I referred to my parents and siblings as my "birth family". I cannot say that I know this expression from my extensive reading of English literature ... then again, that literature is mainly magic fantasy, sci-fi and computer manuals. It certainly isn't a Norwegian expression. I think the normal expression would be "my family". But I don't think like that. Yes, they are family. But "my family" is me. (Or "my family is I", if you are an English teacher.)

When you are a child, then obviously your parents and siblings are your family. But when you grow up, you establish your own family. This may take time, and usually it also involves two persons. But these days, increasingly it doesn't. Even the nuclear family has decayed into its smaller components.

Bear in mind that I left my father and mother when I was 15, even though I have visited several times since. I am now 42. Yes, I've lived apart from my birth family almost two thirds of my life. I still recognize my brothers on sight, but let's face it: I'm very much my own man now. I think it's pretty telling that my youngest brother did not even invite me in his wedding, even though we are still friends. I'm family, but I'm not his family. And neither are they my family, much as I like and respect them. I am my family.

***

I don't know about the rest of the world, but my impression is that the trend is the same in other capitalist countries: More and more people live alone for more and more of their lives. The exception is that children stay at home longer than before. This reflects the fact that young people have to study for a long time, and are financially dependent on their parents in that time. (In the USA, I think it is common to move to college campus rather than stay at home; this is probably a good thing, as it allows one to establish a personal identity.)

After school, though, the capitalist society requires that its citizens are available for duty anywhere. Family ties means lost opportunities for career and income. No wonder serial monogamy is becoming more common; and a sizable part of the population dispenses with marriage altogether. True, many of these act as if they were married, for a shorter or longer duration. But more and more people remain single all their lives. Some of these, mostly women, have a child or two growing up at their place. But many live completely alone. We're not nearly a majority; evidently we're not even a significant minority, since there is little attempt to tailor goods and services for us. But there are a few millions of us around the world, and there are likely to be more as capitalism marches on towards its destiny.

***

While thinking on this - or was it the other way around? - I remembered a line from the creepy song No Bounds by G.O.L.
An existence of only one dimension ...

You know my philosophy: Everything has a price. Living alone means freedom, but at a cost. Not just in economic terms, and loneliness for those who are not self-contained. But exactly for those who don't suffer from being alone, there is another price to pay: An existence of only one dimension.

Sure, you meet people who think differently. They are at your workplace, unless you work from home too. They are your friends, unless you belong to a severely brainwashed sect. (I've never tried that.) You may need to acknowledge that different views exist. You may even need to act as if it doesn't bother you. But you don't need to integrate them into your life.

When views or interest are similar but opposing, there is a conflict. I am not sure this is a good thing in a family, to be honest. It tends to develop into a power struggle, or one family member steamrolls over the other. No, what I think is needed is orthogonal views. Views that reach out in completely different directions, like "up" and "west". We can have interests that are like that, within ourselves. But it is hard to really think in different ways. Most humans, perhaps even including myself, are too limited to do that.

When you add a dimension, you make a leap in quality. It is not just adding more of the same. Going from a point to a line means that you suddenly go somewhere. Adding another dimension means you get reach. With yet another dimension you get volume and content. The more dimensions, the more complexity, but also possibility. Living with someone who thinks differently, someone who has other basic assumptions ... that is not just more of the same. It is more of something new. I think it's worth a few sacrifices. For most people.