Wednesday 2 June 2004

Pic of the day: A superwoman, larger than life, fading into a new dawn. Screenshot from City of Heroes.

Still friends, right?

Today was the day when she phoned me. The young woman I used to refer to as SuperWoman or "my best friend" or "the girl I love approximately like myself". All of which were quite fitting, and some of them still are, I guess.

I had not heard from her since shortly after Christmas, and basically assumed that she hated my guts. I tend to think that when I don't hear from people. As time passes, my mind returns to the default assumption that people hate me. That's not just a pessimistic and cynical outlook on life, it is a quite reasonable habit dating back to when I was in school. At that time, people really did hate me (not quite without reason, sometimes) and I them. So I am kinda like Obelix, for those who read Asterix (and you all should) ... like he fell into the pot of strength potion and became strong for life, I am kinda permeated by this attitude for life. Unless people say otherwise from time to time, I assume that I have somehow offended them and they hate me. Or simply hate me for no reason, as people seemed to do when I was a kid.

So I was quite happy to hear her voice again. I did not say much about that though, which in retrospect may be just as well. We talked for a long time, and eventually she got around to telling me that she had fallen in love with a local boy around her own age, much to her surprise. Actually he seems to have fallen in love with her first, which is rare enough for a man. OK, it may not be rare for a man to fall in love, but isn't it usually the man who reciprocates the woman's feelings and not the other way around? Then again, this girl has been left-handed and a bit of a tomboy since birth, so norms are not entirely binding.

***

I don't really understand much about human love, but I understand that with 6 billion humans it must be exceedingly rare that two of them fall in love with one another independently, then discover it afterwards. It seems much more reasonable that one falls in love with the other, and the other kinda accepts it. This does not seem like a tragedy to me, except in those cases where the phrase would be "grudgingly accepts", where the less infatuated partner keeps looking for his or (usually) her soul mate and is ready to jump ship on short notice. Better to not have a relationship at all than to be a stopgap measure, in my view. Not that my expertise counts for much in matters of the heart.

***

So, given my frequent claims that I would have liked to spend every day with this girl (or woman, as she insists to be called) ... should I be jealous or at least sad that she's found romantic love? Probably not. It's been clear for quite some time (like, forever?) that no matter how much I'd like to have a girlfriend like her, she is not it. The age difference was simply too much to have that kind of relationship, and there's the whole thing about how I spent her childhood going in and out of their home like some associated family member. I guess that's how the "kids" will always remember me, and that's not very romantic. Although I did not fart loudly in their living room, so I guess not quite family...

In truth, this was what I intended and navigated towards. I wanted her to know that she was loved and that she had the right to be picky, to wait for someone worth the wait. This seems to have happened, by and large. The guy sounds to be a decent enough character and a friend for the long haul, not just some guy drooling over her (as well they should). And her family likes him too. The very fact that this has any meaning shows how different we are at the core. I would not for a second consider what my family thought about a woman I loved. For one thing, my family are superhumans themselves; they don't arbitrarily dislike good people, so it is not a matter of concern. Secondly, when I like someone, I could not care less what the rest of the world thinks about the matter. I may have gotten my body from my parents, but my spirit from God. I ask no one else to bless the choices of my heart.

So what I feel is a kind of ... closure. I hope this guy is up to it, frankly. I should move on with my life, such as it is. The feeling is kinda like when I finish a story arc of missions in City of Heroes. You've gained a lot of experience points and been places and seen things, but eventually there is a conclusion. And no matter how nice it was to be able to go back and do those missions over again, you've outgrown them. It's time for a long break, to re-adjust and start down new paths. Perhaps the next story arc will be something entirely different. As long as it's not zombies, I'm up for it. ^_^