Saturday 12 June 2004
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Pic of the day: This picture is the end of the anime series Boys Be. The first time I saw it, I felt the anime was cut off without a proper ending. Now I know better. Am I home?Again I have listened to that awesome (but Norwegian) song by Jonas Fjeld, "Engler i sneen" (angels in the snow). This song stands out through the sheer thoughtspan (like wingspan, you know, only more abstract). Most casual thinkers would not think so large without drugs or divine revelation. (The two can be surprisingly hard to tell apart, depending on the drug and the deity in question. But let's not go there today.)
There are, in the first verse, three different types of relating to
a home. I know I mentioned this when I reviewed the song, but let me
reiterate and go in detail this time. Norway is not a country where you sleep outdoors during the winter. Also abject poverty is rare to say the least, so homelessness here is usually a sign of severe mental imbalance ... or it is meant figuratively, as a feeling of the heart. I deem it safe to say this is the meaning here. The whole song is full of metaphors and allusions, after all. ***
The three degrees of, I almost said homeliness ... How can a person be a home? Isn't the home a place, a house or apartment? Yes and no. In Norwegian we don't talk about homeowners, the corresponding word means someone who owns a dwelling. (Also we don't say we live here or there, but we dwell (or reside) there. English is a bit special in doing away with that concept.) Even in English, you say that "home is where the heart is". Of course, this presupposes that you have a heart except the one that is always in your own chest. Not all of us make such a bold claim. Myself, I tend to think that home is where the DSL is. I guess that puts me at around 1.5 on the list above... Another fascinating Japanese habit that I have learned from anime: When coming home, they will always say "I am back home" as soon as they enter. In fact, it seems common to do this even if you are alone, as if the spirits of the dwelling ought to be informed. However, if there is a family member present, they will unfailingly answer: "Welcome back home". This is considered very important, and to be greeted this way can bring tears to the eyes of grown people if there was any doubt about their welcome. It is an expression of unconditional acceptance, of belonging. People need that, I guess. But for me, it's mainly a place to store my clutter. I certainly would not talk to my apartment. And even if I could program my computers to welcome me home, I would not. But some people have someone who is important to them. That is where their heart is, and that is their home. It follows then, that if you are such a person, who is important to someone, then you are a home to them. This is why someone can go directly from being homeless to being a home, by opening up to the one who needs them. I guess most of you are like that, although perhaps you don't think about it much. But I am not such a person. Homes are not just a place to crash; they have a permanence, a stability. Homes are for real people of flesh and blood. But I am a guest even in the flesh. I would not think twice about moving out of this body if I had a better one to move into; the sentimental attachment is there, but it is minimal. Even in my dreams at night I often am not just elsewhere and elsewhen, but even elsewho. Like the angels in the snow, I remain outside. I am a catalyst, but not part of the finished product. Often when a group of strangers comes together for some purpose, and I am one of them, I will be the one who introduces myself and others, who organizes and gets started. But in the end when all is set up, I am the one who remains outside, alone. Everyone knows of me, but nobody knows me.
"Angels in the snow have a song of their own. They sing that all that
lives, here and now, will cease someday." ***I guess you may read this as a sad entry. I guess one or more of you cannot avoid reading it that way. But if I thought so, I would have colored it black. I am what Scientific American called a "satisficer" ... when I have made a decision, or even avoided a decision, I usually accept what comes from it. Where you go, there you are. None of us can walk several widely different paths through life, for one excludes the other. I take this for granted. But yes, I am curious. Sometimes I wish there was a temp human agency, so I could try being an ordinary person for a few months and see how their lives really are. How does it feel to be in love? How does it feel to need another human? To really trust someone? How does it feel to have children? I am curious. But all I can do is read about it, for these are not things you take on lightly and then abandon them for a different life. And I suspect I would, in the end, want my life back. After all, it is not by happenstance that I have become me. It was the will of my soul. |
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