Thursday 26 June 2003

Pic of the day: Screenshot from Morrowind. (A single player game, appropriately.)

And all the bridges are burning that we might have crossed,
but I feel so close to everything that we lost ...
we'll never have to lose it again.
Leonard Cohen, Tower of Song.

'And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'
(The Gospel according to Luke, Chapter 16, verse 26.)

That other chasm

After writing my reactions to the anime Boys be..., I have been thinking, and also exchanging a few e-mails with a friend. Sometimes what we say is not what we meant to say; and even if it is, what we say is not necessarily what others hear. But again, it is not necessarily the exact opposite either ...

I said it as I saw it at the point. After I was reminded how important (romantic) love is to most people, I truly felt that an important part of life was unfamiliar to me, that my experience of being human was somewhat less because of it. It is that essential. It is not like "oh no, I've never taken acid" even though they say that can be mind- expanding too (and mentally scar you for life too). It is not even like "I've never mastered a foreign language" (which I have, actually ... I am writing this in it).

No, the experience of mutual inter-dependent love (or at least searching for it) is so near universal, at least in our civilization and a bit beyond, that it will be hard to truly understand someone who has this experience if I have not. And the other way around, of course. In fact, for most of us, if not for this kind of love we would not even been born. Either in our parent's generation or at worst shortly before. So it is in the blood, so to speak. It is a more basic need than riches and fame, a more universal life-changing experience than war and earthquake. So ubiquitous and yet so elusive.

***

I'm certainly not saying I don't like women. I've liked girls since before I can remember, very much so. And when I was a boy, I had the distinct idea that if I survived to adulthood, I would marry just like my parents and get along great with my spouse just like them. In fact, I specifically remember thinking that I would learn to know the things she was unlikely to, so we would complete each other's areas of knowledge. I have for sure kept my part of that bargain, have I not? So how did things end up so differently from what I expected? Where did the paths diverge, until now I stand on the edge of this chasm where I cannot even see clearly the other side?

Well, we could always blame it on the goats. My parents were rather shy even for their generation, and would certainly not intrude with any demonstrations of sexuality. The goats were not so inhibited, and like other farm boys I early understood the mechanism of reproduction. The goats (and various other animals that abounded on our farm) had no idea of romance, however. They were about as subtle as drunk frat boys. Still, around the age of 14 I had definitely pieced together the separate parts of romantic and physical attraction, because I remember some weird and still a bit innocent daydreams that did combine the two after a fashion. The focus of my attention back then was a quite real girl. I dare not say more about this because I feel it would be unfair to identify her. Anyway, she is quite innocent in what happened next.

Around the age of 15, a series of things happened, and my life changed in so many ways. I guess this is the point of divergence. From then on started my quest to rid myself of my humanity and become a god. It did not work out quite like that, of course. But I guess I succeeded partially on the first half at least. And don't go blame it on my religion; it was the best thing that happened to me at the time. I was about to set out on my own in the world, and without a Heavenly Father and Brother to keep me company I would have been in great trouble indeed. Even as it was, rather turbulent years lay ahead of me. I came out of them as a changed person, but a happy one. In fact, I could not help notice that I was generally happier than people around me. Perhaps I still am. I may be thoughtful, but I still find it hard to keep from singing most days. And nights. According to my brother, I would even sing in my sleep. I am not surprised.

***

In my late teens, I was quoted in the Church as saying that there was no point in thinking about romance, since Jesus would return shortly. He has kinda not kept his part there, but as he told us all beforehand, the Kingdom of Heaven does not come in such a way as to be seen with the eyes. So I don't hold it against him. Looking back, I realize that the other young Christians in the Church were just human, despite their parroting the doctrine of perfection. They had little or no mystic experience, they were simply taking their Sunday School with them into adult life, trying to be good and nice. I guess they succeeded at that, perhaps more so than I. But they never developed that cynicism that cleaved spirit and soul. (Well, I understand that there were some who married in faith, without feeling like it. I understand that by and large they suffered much in the years that followed. But then again, I heard it all from people who betrayed that faith; and traitors are never the most reliable source neither in love nor war.)

Ever since that time, I have grown steadily more disenchanted with the material world and its rat race. The chase for ever more status, working overtime to pay for our many time-saving devices, all the neighbors trying to keep up with the neighbors ... it has convinced me that humans are indeed little more than apes. The big change from my 20 year old personality is that I don't consider myself to be so different. I have the same basic instincts, I am as self-centered as the next guy. I just don't bother as much with the other rats, but find my own way through the maze.

***

Do not think me envious. Do not believe that I regret, that I wish I could go back and undo my path. It is not like, if I could find a savegame of my life at 14, I would discard this life I have and reload. I love the life I have. And cynicism is only unbearable if you take yourself too seriously. If you can laugh at yourself every bit as much as at anyone else, it is a life of great freedom.

No, I do not wish I were on the other side of that chasm now. I would be just as ignorant of the life I now live, as I now am of that other life. But there are times when I wish I could lie down, close my eyes, and in a dream visit that other time stream. To see who I could have been with you, and who you could have been with me, if I had the courage that time when you needed me and I stood frozen. If I had dared to be human, while I still could.

But then again, if I had chosen differently, I would have been a different person, right? And I am the one and only me. It is not a dream. And the paths I have yet to take from here, will reveal who I truly am.