Saturday 17 July 2004

Pic of the day: It didn't look quite like that, but I'm not good at drawing. There was no depth to it, it was entirely flat, just a pattern of light. Also there was no white inbetween the needles, just more needles of yellow.

Scary day

Even though it was Saturday, I woke up at the usual time. I was starting to swing my legs out of the bed when suddenly the cramp bit into my right calf. This has happened approximately five times before in the morning, spread out over a similar number of years. Three times in my left leg and two times in my right, but always the same place, the large muscle in the calf. But each time before, is happened just before I woke up instead of after. It always happened late in the morning though. This time, as I was awake when it started, I tried to relax, to make it stop. But it didn't. It ran its course of agony; if anything, it seemed to last longer for my attempt to intervene.

Well, such a cramp is painful, and I know from experience that I cannot take any long walks for the next couple of days. For the first hours I can barely walk across the floor. It is painful and impractical, but I have after all survived it five times already. So I was totally unprepared for what came next.

***

As I lay on my bed recovering from the pain, I started to feel queasy and slightly dizzy. The nausea increased and I got out of bed and hobbled to the bathroom where I knelt before the toilet. The queasiness started to retreat even without me throwing up; but I grew more and more dizzy, disoriented and weak. I believe the next thing that happened was that I was drinking water from the hand wash, but it didn't help. Then I vaguely remember pulling on my trousers; by now I must have decided that I would try to make my way to the neighbors and ask them to call medical emergency. By this time there was no way I could read numbers; my vision was obscured by ever thicker white fog. I was stumbling like a drunk, and it was hard to think. While I had still been able to think, I had considered that I might be suffering a stroke. Perhaps the cramp in my leg was caused by a blood clot which then moved on. I realized that I was losing more and more of my consciousness along with the senses, and if this continued I might die unless I get help while I could still move.

But on the stairs I halted. Twice before over the last five years I have had similar fainting spells, or whatever you will call them. Each time I recovered. Each time I was sent to the hospital and my heart was monitored for a day or so, and found to be in great shape. I hesitated to impose on others again, probably for nothing.

So I stumbled back, finding the door after a few tries, and next found myself in the living room, kneeling on the floor and the seat of a comfy chair. I rested my face in my hands while leaning on the chair. And in the darkness of my hands I no longer saw the white fog. Instead the light started to form into a pattern, a bright circle with a hole in the middle. The light was now yellow and steady but not quite solid: it seemed to consist of thin bright strings or lines, like the aurora only much stronger and not wavering. It did not remind me of the restless crawling silver light surrounding a circle of nothingness which I used to see at the onset of my migraine attacks back when I still had those. This light was bright and stable, despite its needlelike nature, and the hole in the middle was just the same kind of darkness that surrounded it.

While I watched this, I began to think more clearly again. I was praying, but at the same time I was noticing how much less religious I was. There was no religious fervor in that prayer, simply a hope to survive, and I was making no promises of a better life. I know myself too well. Promises made under duress have no staying power in my life. Nor do I expect promises to impress God, when they don't even impress myself. Sooner or later I have to die, but I would much prefer it be later, decades later. And when that happens I will either face judgment or cease to exist; I don't really know which I prefer. I hold no hope of reward for this life, for the life I now live is its own reward and more than I deserve. I could not ask for more than to continue this way for as long as possible.

***

The circle of light faded. The strength of my body was returning. My consciousness was now fully reverted to normal. I rose to my feet, and noticed again the pain in my leg. I got myself over to the kitchen cupboards and found some acetylsalicylic acid; it keeps the muscles from stiffening after an extreme excertion, and incidentally also makes the blood less likely to clot. From here on, my day continued as usual, minus the use of one leg; and even that improved over time. In the hallway I found my glasses; I don't remember them falling off me, and I don't remember putting them on either.

I guess I should see a doctor sometime. Perhaps after the summer holiday; they probably have vacation right now like most Norwegians. I would like to measure such things as blood pressure, blood sugar and blood fat. Just in case. Because things like this ought not to happen. Not knowing the reason why it happened, I really had no guarantee that my senses and my mind would return. If they didn't, I would have made my last mistake this day.