Tuesday 6 July 2004

Pic of the day: Here's the picture I referred to in my June 22 entry, The Solitary Cross. Of course, in the anime the circle spreads outward until all the room is restored to reality.

Panic and attention

I don't have anything interesting to say today, but some of my years-ago entries are pretty cool.

As for the picture, I personally think that holding hands with boys is kinda ewwy. Then again, I seem to be born without the instinctive need for touch which almost all people and other primates have. I simply don't understand why people want to be that close except for the purpose of reproduction. Oh well.

However, even I have needed attention. As a child, of course, I needed it a lot. But even after I became me. And those panic attacks, I guess they are like a sudden collapse of the ordinary consciousness from lack of attention? Like a child waking up alone in the dark.

I remember once I had one of my first such panic attacks, while I still lived on the farm during the summers at least. I don't remember exactly when, but I know my second brother was there just then. I woke up, frozen to - or rather from - the marrow with the sudden fear of damnation. It was in the night - it always was - and I think I must have woken my brother up. He wasn't angry with me, then again he is a saint and I can't ever say I have seen him angry except against evil. "I think ... I am going to die ..." I said. That was how I felt, although I did not know why. My brother looked at me, seriously, and repeated: "You think you are going to die?" Right there, at the very seriousness of his question, suddenly I stopped shivering. My life started to return to normal. Just from being taken seriously by one single person. Isn't that amazing? It was exactly that feeling, of reality coming back, like in the picture.