Sunday 12 February 2006

Pic of the day: I feel too young to feel this old! Wait, that doesn't make sense. And yet it describes just how I feel.

Almost 50

I think it is safe to say that any midlife crises are behind me now. The next crisis, if any, is likely to be an endlife crisis. (I notice that my spelling checker does not recognize that expression. Then again, midlife crisis was not commonly known either when I grew up.)

It is strange to consider that I have not only lived more than half of my natural lifespan (roughly calculated by a comparing with deceased family members), but also around half of my natural adult life. 30 years ago I was 18, and 30 years from now I'll be 78 if I'm still alive. At that age most of my relatives were still alive (my mother died around that age but she had fought cancer for 25 years as well as diabetes for much of that time). But they were distinctly elderly. If I live that long, i will likely need some assistance with everyday things. Probably not eating and going to the potty (though that could certainly happen too), but moving furniture or even washing the floors would probably be too hard for me.

***

I thought about this as I took my Sunday walk. (By some coincidence or synchronicity, the Sunday-open shop at Hortemo is almost exactly as far away as the Sunday-open shop at Langenes was from the Chaos Node. It may be slightly longer, but the terrain is less hilly so it takes about the same time and uses about the same number of calories.) I eat right and exercise regularly (but in moderation) but I am going to die anyway. If nothing special happens, 10 years from now I should still be able to take my long walks, but I will tire more easily and it will be more of a burden for me to do it. The noticeable change happens by 20 years, when I am 68. At that time I will definitely be unable to exert myself much lest something be damaged, which would take a long time to heal. On winter days like this I would probably not be able to walk fast enough to keep warm, so would stay inside. And 30 years from now, it is anybody's guess whether I can walk without a stick or two, even if nothing extra happens.

If I am still alive in 40 years, I may not even know it. That's roughly an average of the ages my relatives used to die, and people on the south coast of Norway are on average much earlier demented than those on the west coast. At one time this was supposed to come from the aluminum in the ground water, but the connection between that metal and Alzheimer's disease is pretty much killed by later research. Perhaps it is genetic, in which case I wouldn't worry too much about it. My grandfather lost his wits at the end, but he was nearly 90 when that happened. Medication that slows or almost stops the disease is already available, but due to some side effects it is not used until noticeable damage has already been done. This seems like a backward way to approach such a terrible affliction. Almost certainly better drugs will become available soon. The mass market of aging baby boomers will make Viagra look like a niche product.

Eating less is the only known way to increase the maximum lifespan, while exercise is the recommended way to increase the average lifespan. Unfortunately the two are not compatible. If you eat little and work out a lot, you starve to death. I am not in danger of that right now, as I can eat pretty much anything I want except too much fat (and alkaloids like caffeine, but I've always been sensitive to those). But let's face it, "eat too much fat" is the norm these days. That, and barely moving. So the irony is that when I now seem to have a healthy body, it is mainly because of an illness (unable to eat fat) and my tendency to never complete anything (no driver's license). One of the nice things about real life is that it need not be plausible...

Given the opportunity, then, I would probably grow fat and lazy. But even without that, my time is limited, and most of it is already gone. Most of my best years for sure, at least as far as the body is concerned. It is downhill all the way from here to the last shore.

***

In the latest issue of The Economist, I read a review of a very unusual book. A management guru had been diagnosed with incurable brain cancer and given only a few months to live. He wrote a book about how he managed this last challenge. He quit his job (management gurus usually can afford that without their family starving) and then started to unwind his relationships, the most remote first, taking farewell with everyone he knew. He started to spend time with his wife. The reviewer concluded that this man was surely neither the first nor the last who would say to saint Peter that he wish he'd spent less time at the office.

I actually do spend less time at the office. I work only 90% of my rather moderately paid job, even though I could have worked full and then some. I just don't want to take on more work than I have. Preferably less, but it works fairly well as it is. Of course, this doesn't mean I spend more time with my family. I am my family, for all practical purposes. That is not supposed to be healthy either, but there are very good reasons for this. I left my birth family at 15 and have walked a different path since. I have not sought a "soulmate" in this world for various good reasons that are outside the scope of this entry. Those who have half souls are certainly encouraged to complete them, but I would estimate my soul to something on the up side of 90% without such an arrangement. Perhaps 95%. Not perfect but hardly worth drastically changing my life over.

So whether long or short, it seems likely that my life will continue the way it has. With some minor corrections based on the latest experiences.