Wednesday 4 February 2004

Pic of the day: Normally it is more like this. (Screenshot from Dark Age of Camelot, in a not so dark moment.)

Doors into darkness

How to make this sound less melodramatic? Let us start with cinema. There is a reason why I don't go to the movies much, apart from the fact that I usually don't have anyone to go there with. You see, watching a movie is hard work. When the movie has lasted a few minutes, my head grows warm and my body shivers with cold. My best theory is that my brain is "burning" the movie into my memory. In fact, the same thing happens when I watch a DVD movie at home. My whole metabolism shifts, almost like a fever.

I have a really good memory for stories. Much better than for numbers, names of faces. But I don't remember the stories the way I learn them. They seem to be translated to some internal generic story format. Sometimes I cannot even say whether I read a story in a book or a comic book, but I can reconstruct the plot in intricate detail. Ironically, the names of the characters is one of the things that is optional, which makes it really hard to retell it. But I still remember it. This is even more surprising since when I write a story, it is mainly character driven and plotting is mostly left to the characters.

Anyway, the thing I wanted to say today is that when I watch a movie, I am really into it. It is a very immersive experience. Even an anime I watch on my PC can be like that, at least the first episode or two. And computer games. I know I have mentioned before how creepy it was to play Daggerfall after midnight. It's the same with other role playing games, although not all to the same degree. Daggerfall and Morrowind really stand out, but others have some of the same. Dying in Daggerfall especially caused physical pain sometimes, at least if it was sudden and unexpected. My body reacted before I could think, muscles contracting painfully and blood pressure going through the roof for a moment, an intense stress reaction. Very uncomfortable.

***

Normally I enjoy playing computer games and watching anime. I find it interesting and it stimulates my brain, and it is a change from everyday activities. They are doors to other worlds of magic and fantasy.

But some days, and I have not found a way to predict this change, they become to me like doors into dark places. They seem threatening, unsafe. Even if I go there, I feel bad, nervous, not at all like usual. I want back out in the light, on safe ground, to live in the real world. Usually it passes, although sometimes a door is changed forever it seems, like what happened with Rubies of Eventide. I never managed to get back in. It remained dark. After more than a month of not touching it, I just gave up and unsubscribed.

But others, like DAoC, may be darkened for a few hours or a day or two, then they light up again. I recognize them, I feel secure and in control again. Just like there is no visible reason why they changed, so there is no clear reason why they change back. They just do, and I can visit them again without losing the connection to the light. Weird. I really lack the exactly right words, as you may have noticed. But that is the closest I come. There is a connection with the essential reality, it allows me to be myself even when I am somewhere else, someone else. Without that connection I am like two people at the same time: The character and the observer, and the observer does not feel well in there. The observer is the real me, and it wants out, wants back to the real world. This is especially clear with role playing games, but sometimes even anime darkens, or a strategy game like Civ3. That is less often though.

I don't think I am ready to analyze it right now. I just wanted to write it the way it is.

***

PS: After writing this all and making it ready for upload, I suddenly came to think of the RPG Ultima VI, the first truly immersive roleplaying game I played on a computer. In the intro sequence, which was really well animated by the standards of the time, the main character lived a comfortable but boring life. Then suddenly one night he was presented with a shimmering portal of light that led to the fantasy world of Britannia. But the character noted that the portal was red - the portals in the past had always been blue like a clear sky. (It did indeed lead into a trap.)

I guess it is a bit like that. These things are portals to fantasy worlds. But sometimes they just don't seem right.