Wednesday 1 August 2001
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Pic of the day: Into the darkness. Bridge to nowhereI don't feel sad and angsty. But then again, my emotions are like a small furry animal. As long as I have my favorite foodstuffs and a safe place to play, I am content. I sing happily in the face of the slowly falling dusk. My mind sees the bridge ahead of me ending in nothingness, and yet the happiness of my body tries to convince me that I am the luckiest man in the world. I suppose I am one of them at that, for are not most people cursed with the opposite? A feeling of unease or outright worry, even when convinced that they are doing what is best for them? No, I am not aware of having any terminal illness. I am talking about growing up. And growing up is dying a little. Or maybe a lot. It's time for that, again. Only now I have nothing to grow into, just out of. ***There is a bridge that goes from childhood to adulthood. Its name varies, but I am sure you have been there. Suspended between worlds: The world of play and carelessness behind you, the world of responsibility and reward still ahead of you. The child you were is left at the foot of the bridge, afraid or unable to set foot on that unfamiliar structure. The adult you will be is waiting for you somewhere in your future, yet not fully known. I've walked the bridge with many men and women. My brothers, my friends, and later my friends' children. For some it was shorter, for some it was longer. And eventually as they found their way to the ordinary world, they learned to survive. They found, I like to think, a kind of meaning in the roles of Grownupland. But for some reason, my bridge went higher and longer. It just went on and on, bypassing the entire kingdom of Grownupia. It was beneath me, and now it is behind me, and the bridge ends in the air, high above some uncharted territory. Somewhere in the darkness ahead, it ends. ***For I do not desire the riches of Adultworld: Career, Romance, Ownership and Status. I do not trade in their coins. Their fire leaves me cold, their beauty leaves me untouched, their song like the grating of stone on stone. In our dreams we held the stars; and now this? Career. I've worked at the same workplace (except for a year's break) since the year I was 20. My friends did not believe me when I told them I didn't know what I earned. And then when I found out, they still have a hard time believing, it is so little. But I do not need or desire a career. For whom would I exert myself? The redeeming qualities of my workplace are these: The people, who are mostly way cool. And the fact that the place is an affront to society, and Light knows whether my success or failure in the work would be the better thing. Once upon a time I discovered something I could do better than others, and which I liked: Programming computers. And then I stopped liking it. I burned out, got fed up, couldn't stand the heat and left the kitchen. Let that be a lesson: If at first you don't succeed, you shouldn't even have tried. As God said to Adam in the Garden of Eden: "From now on work is gonna suck. Really, really suck. And it's your own damned fault." (Genesis 3,17.) Romance. True: We tend to descend in a straight line from people who took an interest in the opposite sex. It has been thus for millions of years now, except they weren't people until recently. How much of a difference that meant, is disputable. The mating habits of humans are no less interesting than even exotic birds. Quite a display it is. I would probably have respected it more if it were simpler, and thus truer. They say that they cannot live without one another, like the other was a god or something. But I know that I can live without them all, for I have done so for decades. Why would I start deceiving myself now? It is way too late for that. Ownership, property: He who dies with the most toys, wins. I love toys myself. Computer games! The occasional stereo or something. Mostly computer stuff, though. Computers are like an extension of the brain. I love the brain, so this one is a no-brainer. But owning things to own things? Delighting in ownership? Sleeping better in a house you own, feeling happier in a car you own, taking pleasure from seeing your property grow and your wealth expand? How quaint. No, what I miss the most is a big container conveniently parking outside my home where I could throw all the broken stuff which I really meant to get rid of but never got rid of. Less attachment, not more. Status: Evidently in humans, status is more than just a way to attract a mate. It is a goal in itself. I have lived long enough to see in some people, men above all, when they are promoted to some higher status in the workplace or church. They start to act as if this had somehow proved them morally superior. So now they are at a "higher ground", despite their small earthen dreams and their nearsighted visions. Would I have been like that in their place? It is a creepy thought, and all too likely. ***Perhaps I could go back. Perhaps I could learn to appreciate the values of the ordinary world. (Whether I would be successful there is another matter, and not too obvious.) But even wanting to, for now, would probably require a minor stroke or falling and striking my head hard. Somehow I seem to be Peterpanized, forever estranged from the adult world. Yet even if I do not grow up, I must grow old. And so I vaguely expect to peel off, layer by layer, the pleasures I still have and still seek, until perhaps one day there are no more left. Nothing more I want in this world, nothing more I seek here. Will I reach that? Will I live long enough to be ready to leave it all behind, to scorn it with embarassment like an outgrown toy? To go into the great stillness ... I don't feel like it at all right now, but that's where the arrow points. To nothingness, or die trying! ***
Für alle hier, Wind, Hanne Haller (?)
(OK, since a quick check showed that the translation engines made
babelfish fillet from this text, here is the translation. From my fourth
language to my third respectively, no time to re-poetify, so ... enjoy!
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