Tuesday 26 April 2005

Pic of the day: I chose this thoughtful dog from the anime Rizelmine to express my mood today.

Like a picture fading

It feels strange to no longer have a best friend. Despite the distance, there was always a connection of sorts. Even through those years where we did not meet often and did not talk much, there were those exceptions, those exceptional days. Even though they look green in my diary, they look golden in my heart.

Now those days are gone, and the seasons have lost a small part of their color.

I expected this to happen. I even wrote about it occasionally. In a way, I think I made it happen. There has been much time to shift my allegiance, so to speak, and look for other friends for the heart. But I never make friends. The friends do. I do not reach out. That is not my nature.

I am not unhappy. I am diminished, but I did not live at the border of despair. If a poor man loses even a small amount, it causes great distress. But the rich man can lose much and still have plenty. It is not that I am depressed now, it is that the days of elation are over. A pleasant surprise, an extra gift, has worn out. I am not even back to where I was, for what was can never be undone. It will always be a part of my past. But there are no more of those moments anymore.

I was placing a bit of my soul outside myself. Trusting someone to carry a part of my heart. I do not regret it. No one took anything from me, and perhaps I myself took it back. This wasn't about mating, as it so often is when men get close to women. It is just that there are things I am not really good at, and the connection to another made us more whole. Especially me, I guess. So now I am less whole, not sexually frustrated. (Well, no more at least than before.) There is no pain, just a loss, a fading. Like one of those days when the sun shines but somehow the heat is lacking and the brightness muted. Only when you look up do you see the the hazy clouds that have been drawn across the sky like a flimsy curtain. And you can't say when.

These are my days now. Can you even understand what I am trying to say? Do others too have changes like this in their lives?