Friday 24 September 2004

Returning bibles

This past week there has been some excitement in the Church of Norway, the state-financed church that Norwegians belong to unless they belong somewhere else or opt out. A convenient way to make sure people are buried with all required pomp and circumstance, I guess, and there are also other services that people can use either for free or at a very reasonable cost, such as "baptism" to celebrate the naming of their kids, and official weddings that are supposed to last somewhat longer than the quick registrations. (This actually seems to hold true, but it is only a matter of degree, and in my opinion a poor excuse for swearing false before God and many witnesses. But to each their own.)

Well, the new news is that some vicar priest in Hareid, a tiny town in Western Norway, doesn't like that priests can be practicing lesbians. Perhaps he has read in the Bible that this is a punishment from God, and he may think living under such a curse makes one unfit for the office. This used to be the common view of all but the most reckless of Norwegians until recently, but times change. Anyway, one of the bishops, a woman named Rose-Marie Køhn, has the exact opposite view, that it's cool to have lesbian priests that act out their inclinations. So the vicar told in no uncertain terms that she was NOT welcome to preach in "his" church. And then a small corner of Hell broke out.

The congregation at the local prayer house (a building used for most Christian activities except High Mass) offered Rose-Marie to use that place instead, which was universally seen as a kick in the shin to the priest. Similarly, the local mayor offered to arrange an alternative gathering. The local bishop, the boss of the priest so to speak, tried to find some compromise that ensured that none of them completely lost face. Local members of the church returned the bibles that their kids had got in church. The national media whipped the foam like mad. Eventually the priest lost face and the lesbians won, and everyone was happy (presumably except the priest and a few sympathizers, not that I ever heard of any of them in the news).

***

The thing that amused me most greatly was the parents returning their children's bibles. I couldn't agree more. It is, after all, not as if they read them anyway.

I'm pretty sure I was the only kid around those parts that read the Bible on my own accord, because it interested me rather than because someone pressured, nagged or promised to reward me for it. Nor did we get bibles in church back at that time. In fact, I found the book on top a big dusty bookshelf in a room mostly used for storage and occasionally as guest room. I kid you not. Almost makes a man believe in predestination - or perhaps you newagers think I had been a Christian in a previous life. ^_^* Anyway, I can't say I've heard of such a thing happen before or since.

And even I didn't understand the Letters of St Paul and the Hebrews. But I thoroughly enjoyed the stories about prophets doing miracles, especially the one that made fire fall down from heaven and roast uppity people alive, and he who summoned angry bears that massacred the kids that kept insulting him. I more or less decided then and there to become a prophet of God. Not for the reward, but for the job satisfaction.

My parents did not say anything to encourage or discourage me. At the time, I had no idea what religion, if any, they belonged to, as they did not go to church and did not pray out loud while I heard, at least. My grandma was a church-goer and read her own Bible regularly, as I found out with time. She hoarded it in a private room, though, and it was by sheer coincidence that I learned that she used to read it. She certainly did not act any more Christian than the rest of the family, but then again they were all good people, and besides she may have read it to impress God rather than to learn from it. I hear this is common.

My father bought a bible for me eventually, in my mother tongue (New Norwegian, but this book was written in a much less "new" version than I was used to). It was certainly an improvement, since the one I had first found was in half-Danish Norwegian from the previous century or so, and missed pages that my uncle had ripped out, him being an autist (or idiot as they were called at the time). I still have that Bible, but I rarely read it. God has arranged it so that the more money you earn, the less you read the Bible. Oh, you can try, but you won't be able to. The text kinda moves out of the way as your eyes move through it, and when you have finished, you have no idea what you have read. I'm way below average on the income scale here in Scandinavia, but I've still come so far that almost the only parts of the book that are still visible are the condemnations and threats of death and destruction. Still, I managed to get through pretty much the whole book while still a dirt poor student, so I know it extensively.

***

Among other things, I clearly remember reading that it was not advisable to throw pearls to swine, or holy things to dogs. I take this to mean that Jesus did not support a national "people's church" foisting holiness on unwilling recipients. Not that I'd expect anyone to ask him.

And even if people did read the Bible, it would probably gross them out big time. Most people who actually read the book seem to be either horrified by the Bible or horrified by themselves. If none of the above happens, it's a good bet they have either not tried to read it, or failed (as the words slink away, as previously described).

Giving back the bibles is probably the most honest thing most people can do. May God count it in their favor on the Day of Reckoning. He is known to appreciate honesty to a very high degree. But as for me, I think it is too late to return it now. I am already changed beyond recognition. I will never again be truly human. Although humans interest me ... I think I will create some now.