Saturday 20 September 2003

Pic of the day: A picture of a tree reflects the images on the curtains where the sun paints the real trees outside. Oh, and my image, dark against the brightness behind me. What is real, what is shadows, what is reflections? Sometimes we have to look twice to become aware.

Sick and happy

The pain in my right side returned Friday evening, and this time sleep did not end it. It has been dogging me throughout Saturday. Luckily it is not intense, except the occasional jab of pain at random times, not frequently. Still, I think it has now officially escalated. I still have no idea whether this illness is destined to end my brief appearance in the flesh, or something else is. At my age, life could end in a heartbeat – literally.

When I say the pain is not intense, I speak subjectively, of course. Pain is by its nature subjective. But experience from the dentist's chair has taught me that I have a higher pain threshold than the average human. There is nothing supernatural in that – I have a lower threshold for suffocation. Cover my face and I just might do you some serious harm before my mind realizes what my body is doing. I like to think this is less likely to happen now than when I was young, but I haven't been tested lately. And I'm still scared if I go to the dentist while my nose is clogged by a head cold. Pain, however – I don't have root canal work done without local painkiller, but the usual drilling and patching is not a problem. In fact, the vibrations in my skull distracts me more than the pain. And I still lack some teeth that simply died on root back when I was too poor to go to the dentist. They took months to die, months of pain. Apart from the occasional half aspirin, I ignored them. (It may not be a good idea to do that with my appendix, I know.)

***

I guess generally pain resistance is a nice trait, and it's kinda sad that I haven't passed my superior genes on to another generation. On the bright side, I have ... hmm, I think it's 18 nephews and nieces sired by 3 brothers. So there is a good chance that most any gene that's in me is also in a few other Itlands out there, just not in the same combination.

And I have not just been blessed with a reasonable pain tolerance. Even when my body is sick, my mind is happy most of the time. Only when I feel my existence actually threatened does the feeling of satisfaction flee entirely. Happiness is my default state of mind. If I believed that the soul lived on after the body ceased to function, I would not much worry about death. My soul is in great shape, so to speak. But frankly, as a Christian I believe that only God has immortality, as the Bible says. And as a rather well informed layman in the ways of science, I think it is proved beyond reasonable doubt that the soul is to the brain as software is to a computer. If the computer malfunctions, it helps not how well written the software. It will still produce erroneous output and eventually none at all, unless the computer is repaired or the software transferred to another machine.

Still, I consider myself lucky. There are many young, healthy people whose souls are in pain even while their body is not. Some hurt their bodies in the hope that the pain in the flesh will drown out the scream of their tortured soul. Others long for the embrace of death and hope that eternal oblivion will be their part. How readily would I have traded with them! I hope I can live for decades more, and wish it could be centuries. Even now that my health has started to fail me, even if nobody on Earth loves me, even when my furniture is crumbling to dust around me (much of it is around my age), even though I neither have nor want any further career and my income is bound to decline if anything. These things are irrelevant as long as my basic needs are met and I have freedom to express myself.

***

I am not sure how to get this through. I am not happy because I am middle-aged, nor because I earn less than most Europeans (not to say Norwegians or Americans), nor because I am alone. If I were young and healthy and well off and married, I could still have been happy, if I had a sufficiently high activity in my left prefrontal gyrus. Hmm, I think that's where it is. The place that lights up when your awareness is high, like during meditation or while observing a scenery. This higher awareness can be trained, although I am sure I was born with a knack for it, just like some people have a talent for music or art. They still need to work to develop their talent, but it is much more pleasurable and goes faster than trying to develop the same skills when you are not born to them. Perhaps it is so with me and meditation.

If you want to try out for yourself, I think I should point you to my "approximate truth about meditation". It gives some basic background and a simple technique that is independent of religion and can be practiced without drawing attention, even at a bus or during a break at work.

Meditation and awareness training is not a quick solution like a pill. It is brain training, and much like body training it requires some initial investment of time before it pays off. Keeping it up is however easier than with muscles. It follows more the rules of a skill, like biking or skating. These are horrible when you first try, and you fall again and again. But once you master them, you will retain some level of skill until dementia or death do you part.

I urge you to consider training your awareness unless you are already satisfied with your life. Lots of people are out there preying on the malcontents, promising you a better life if you give them money (or, in some few cases, just attention). I ask nothing from you, only that you give yourself the chance to find a secondary (or, in extreme cases, primary) source of happiness that continues to flow when the delights of the senses crumble. You don't have to pay me anything, and you don't have to tell me unless you have any questions. If I am still around, I will answer any questions I can. If I am not, I hope you will enjoy peace, happiness and satisfaction for a longer time than I did.