Monday 30 September 2002

Pic of the day: Into the night. Obscure screenshot from Dark Age of Camelot.

Wandering in the obscure

It is generally not a good sign when people start to sing hymns at work. It was therefore with some, uh, trepidation or something that I found myself humming just such a tune towards the end of the workday. I immediately recognized it as one of the beautiful hymns that we used to sing in Smith's Friends, the congregation with extra piety. (I sincerely hope they still sing it. It is quite good.)

Luckily I have my own office, not just a cubicle or worse, so I don't think I disturbed anyone. (You know how disturbing it can be when otherwise healthy people start on hymns.) Luckily I was just humming, I think, and mainly when I forgot myself. Only as I was about to go home, did I remember the name of the hymn. It's in Norwegian: "Når jeg vandrer i det dunkle" – when I wander in the darkness, or more literally: When I wander in the obscure.

***

Ah, obscurity. I was in my 30es before I realized that I took my photos with a Camera Obscura, a darkened chamber. I have actually discovered this effect by myself, as my flat is built into a hillside. I have two storage rooms that are underground and therefore with no windows. One sunny day I was in there in the dark for some reason (perhaps trying to nap ... it tends to be the last cool place when the house gets hot). And then I saw it, on the wall opposite the closed door: A picture of a tree standing upside down. It was the bright light shining through the keyhole, and projecting on the wall a picture of the image, but for some reason upside down. Until then I had always believed that a lens was needed. I realize now that the lens and shutter and all that jazz are later additions – the original camera was a small room kept in darkness. Obscure facts indeed!

"The obscurely said is the obscurely thought" is probably the most exact translation of the famous saying by Esaias Tegner. (I believe it was Esaias.) And there is certainly a preference for obscure talk in this world. Whenever I read something that is hard to understand, I consider that there may be two reasons for this: 1) I don't know what they are writing about, or 2) they don't know what they are writing about. In some cases people write about stuff I know, and it is still obscure. That kinda decides it.

***

There is a book about "Why bad things happen to good people". This is always a burning question, because bad things happen and most people believe themselves to be good. But what is needed is a book called "Why good people happen to do bad things". Smith's Friends, may they live forever, had a pretty clear grasp of this. They firmly believed in the existence of the subconscious, and its power over our lives. Much of what we do is not actually our choice, it just happens because we act on habit or on impulses from the subconscious. Even when we think and consider what to do, we don't always know what is right. Worse, when we think we know, we may be wrong. Our subconscious feeds us with spurious information because it has its own agenda. Our real self is a limited circle of light in a large territory of obscurity.

It is very helpful to understand this: When people act in ways that seem just plain wrong, chances are they are acting on obscure data from their own subconscious. And it may also be that my own subconscious tries to obscure the reality of what others are doing. I am convinced that they meant it one way, but they actually meant something else. Like a cloud obscures the sun, so the feelings and complexes drift out of my subconscious and obscures the truth. The struggle to light up as much as possible of this in a lifetime was the primary goal of the original Smith's Friends, a group of Christian mystics living mostly here in Norway. I'm not sure how things are now.

***

I guess I can come across as obscure myself, in some of these entries. I keep open the possibility that perhaps I write about things that are too big for me, things that I do not understand. But other times, I believe I simply have gone further than most men (not to mention women). There are thoughts that you simply don't have the time to think when you have to work overtime and come home to wash your car while your kids try to make you take their side in some obscure quarrel between them. Then again, it may also be that most people tend to flee when they meet the twilight of the soul.

And if you will, you are welcome to follow me when I sometimes wander into the obscure, carrying only the small flame of my mind. But if you fear for your sanity, I respect that. Not all people can sing hymns at work and get away with it.

When I wander in the darkness,
and thou answer't not my plea;
teach me there to wait in patience,
placing all my hope in thee.

Lyrics by Olga Olsen, ad hoc translation by me, as I cannot find an official translation.