Sunday 30 September 2001

Pic of the day: The waterfalls are just a distant memory for this stream. It has reached the bottom of the valley, and suddenly it has all the time in the world.

Detached II

I'm still not happy with yesterday's entry. It looks kind of whiny, as if the changes in my life were unnatural or bad. I don't think so. Unusual perhaps, and then only in degree. Unnatural? No. Let me draw an arrow of time here.

Think of a toddler. Any toddler. As SuperWoman commented last week: "It isn't far from Heaven to Hell, at that age." Witness a toddler discovering a chocolate bar at the other end of the room. Hear the whines of excitement and anticipated pleasure as the toddler runs across the room, legs going like drumsticks. And then Mom says "No, you can't get the chocolate yet. Later, not now." See the look of stunned disbelief, then horror and grief. Hear the scream of pain and anguish as the little soul plummets at the speed of sound from Heaven down to the depths of Hell, a torment so unbearable that it cannot be expressed by anything less than a soul-rending scream. All the little heart and soul and body goes into that scream, every ounce of energy is poured into that expression of agony.

This experience can still be recognized in most teenagers; but at least now it takes some time – typically several minutes at least – to go from total bliss to mental anguish. And in more and more situations, it stops before actual screaming. Barking, whining and sobbing is hardly to be avoided. But the actual mindless scream gradually fades, thank goodness.

***

This dampening of emotion continues into adult life. But it does not continue equally fast in all people, and not in all cultures and subcultures. Some lives continue to go up and down, up and down. Others become as flat as a living-room floor. You cannot guess whether these people are happy or unhappy. Even if you ask them, you only get some vague non-committal reply. Whether they got a pay rise or their mom just died, you cannot see any difference. They are just the same.

In the same way, let us look at how people interact with others. There are some who believe that small children live in their own world. But that is too simple. Humans are social creatures, and born that way. From the day they are born, they depend on attention nearly as much as food. Within a few weeks, you can play the gazing game with them, and they hate being left alone even for a moment. As soon as they can control their arms and legs, they start to interact with others in various ways on their own accord.

A child is not just interacting with others on the outside. No, its thoughts and emotions are tied in with others. That's why you will hear a child say with all sincerity: "He made me do it!" It seems obvious that when someone insults you, you must necessarily hit them. It is automatic, like a stone thrown up in the air automatically falls down. The child depend on others for happiness or unhappiness. It is tightly connected to parents, siblings, friends and rivals.

Once again, this can change over time. But it doesn't always. You can find grown-ups who react in basically the same way. They cannot avoid being angry any more than a small child can, if you insult them. Others are detached in some situations, such as when visiting a shop, but not at home. There is a movement towards detachment and self-containment, but it's not very fast and it often stops after a while.

***

As a child, I was as moody as anyone. My brothers can attest that I used to actually scream way into puberty, especially if someone tried to make me work. And while I spent more time alone than other children, I demanded full attention when I showed up. My oldest brother in particular would play me like an instrument, pressing my buttons to see me perform. But all that changed. (On my side, that is. He went on to become a psychologist. ;)

I guess the seeds of change were sown early, but took a long time in sprouting. There have been many different factors that have contributed, so that I eventually reached this level of detachment. I will not go over them all again today. But if I had to single out one single factor, it would be the fact that I am single ... I think family life tends to eventually halt the slide toward isolation and self-contained stability. You are forced – or at least expected – to react emotionally. You have someone you depend on and someone who depends on you, so you never get quite detached. When there is no such ball and chain holding you back, the process just goes on.

So the changes that have happened to me – or that I have made to myself – are not unnatural, only unusual. And then only in how far they have gone. And of course, some things haven't changed at all since childhood: I still like chocolate, for instance. ^_^