Freeday 29 October 1999
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Pic of the day: Magnus Itland, Clown of Enlightenment.
I might take a trip past your house ... Today I had the probably most unusual feedback on my diary till now. A pietist friend of mine sent me an e-mail, and later called me, to request that I cease and desist being explicit about sexual dreams. He was in his good right as far as one such verbal imagery (and a rather pathetic one at that) was in an entry where I wrote mainly him and the pietist congregation in which he has his home. I have therefore for the first time edited out a paragraph of an archived journal. As he had not asked me to write about him, I guess he should have some say in what people associate with him. After all, I try to do to him as I would want him (or any other) to do towards me. As for my diary in general, though, it is my own and as such shall remain. That is, to the degree that I myself is my own. (As a christian (albeit an heretic), I am not entirely my own lord.) I certainly listen to any advice, regardless of by saints or sinners or satanists. But then I consider for myself whether or not that advice has merit.What ticked me off in the telephone conversation was the roundabout hints that real christians don't have sexual dreams. I grabbed my metaphorical whip in holy anger and flayed my pious friend for this godless hypocricy. It turned out (as is often the case with friends) that we were both a bit fast in our judgements. My friend had understood it that I encouraged masturbation, which he thought was unseemly and degrading. I'll get back to that in a moment. As for sexual dreams at night, they occur as far as we know to all celibate men and many celibate women. Some do not remember their dreams, but the physical signs of them still remain. There is no exception for saints, to the best of my knowledge. (Not that I have ever been a saint.) I'm happy to report that my friend seemed to acknowledge the fact that you're NOT responsible for your dreams and such. ... I am not ashamed of being honest. Mind you all who know me, and who may think that I live in two worlds. I do not. What you read here, feel free to confront me with if we meet in the flesh. I dare not risk blasphemy by claiming that "I am who I am". (This expression is one possible reading of God's name.) But I do strive for this level of integrity: While I have many facets, I am one stone. I am not really a saint. I try not to hurt anyone, body or soul. I try to do unto others as I would want them to do unto me. Apart from that I stand or fall before my own Lord. If I fail or fall in sin, and this takes the courage from a fellow christian, I am sorry. But honestly, he should have followed Jesus, not me. I never claimed to be your savior. I am just some guy who see and tell, who learn and teach, who carry others in my heart and share my heart with others.I do not think that I tempt people to sexual sins with my diary. In fact, I would be very thankful to be notified if this was the case... My impression so far in life is that I am to eroticism approximately what Attila the Hun is to architecture. That's pretty much OK by me. I'm not crying. You can't have everything. :) But as for making a fool of myself, so be it. I shall become smaller even than this. Watch this space. Life has taught me this, that being humiliated by others only makes me more proud, harder, feeds the flame of arrogance and uplift in me. If I am to be humiliated, I have to do it myself. And when my friends cringe to see me humiliated, it is because in their eyes there is not much pride to lose ... In their eyes I am already so small that I may soon be gone completely. In my own eyes, of course, it is not like that. :)If you have your strength and your weaknesses, and you are open about your strength but you thoroughly hide your weaknesses ... you are not exactly lying. But you're still a hypocrite. The pharisees were eager to be an example to others. And that they became. Oh yes. They became an example for all times to come. It may still happen to me too. Should I risk that? What for? If people think better of me, am I really a better person? No, I am not. I am not proud of my sins. I am not proud of my stupidity. But I am proud of my honesty, what little I have yet managed to muster of it. |
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