Saturday 9 October 2004

Pic of the day: The sims have it easy. Pisces + Gemini = mutual love guaranteed. Well, with a little diplomacy at least. (The fact that she has a nice backside has nothing to do with it, no matter what the picture may seem to indicate. In fact, she was still sitting when I started to push the button.)

Love, compatibility & me

I don't buy every issue of Psychology Today, but I bought the October issue. (Even though the cover looked like a pr0n mag, so I had to keep it folded while I read it on the commute bus.) It has an interesting article about romantic compatibility.

They maintain that having common interests, friends and values is not important. The important part is to respect each others interests, friends and values. (Of course this is pretty easy when you share them, but it is not the only way.) This seems reasonable to me. The same thing could be said about friendship, and indeed earlier articles in the same magazine have claimed that marriages are most likely to last if the spouses are also friends. In the long run this is more important than a great sex life, which evidently doesn't hurt either.

The new information I found this time was that there was one sort of compatibility that actually was important: The degree of thrill- seeking, or adventurousness. What I have earlier referred to as "optimal stimulation level". This is a mostly inherited trait and can be measured already in babies. People with a low optimum don't like changes, risks and travels. They tend to be introverted and enjoy art or a good book. As babies they are afraid of loud sounds and sudden bright lights. In contrast, babies with a high optimum will laugh at these things, and grow up to get into fights, bungee jumping, speed driving and meeting new people.

It is easy to see from this that my love life would have been doomed from the beginning. I have an extremely low optimal stimulation level, really on the slippery slope toward autism. While a ceiling fan can't hold my attention for long (as it can for some autists), I can get pretty high on music without taking drugs, for instance. Consequently, I don't really need another person, including a woman. I may like her, but I don't need her. Solitude is so close to optimum as to be acceptable. (A quiet evening with a trusted friend is optimal, but not likely. Dining out with a bunch of laughing friends is on a similar level to watching paint dry, only on the opposite side of the optimum.)

The girls who contact me are, practically by definition, outgoing. (See above about "meeting new people".) As such they are automatically incompatible. The women I'd be compatible with are probably sitting alone just like I do, since they don't really need anyone either. While we might be somewhat happier sitting alone together sometimes, it just isn't worth kissing a lot of frogs to find each other. Of course, you could be lucky and meet someone through your job, or studies, or mandatory fire escape training.

***

But for me, it isn't even that simple. Because most women still wouldn't respect my interests and values, nor I theirs. Even my former best friend, who I love approximately like myself, had far more respect for the current parody of civilization, that which I call "consumerism". The idea that it is inherently good to buy new furniture when it is getting worn, even though it is serviceable for another 20 years, seems eminently mockable to me. Sure, people can have a desire to buy new furniture, just like I have a desire to eat chocolate, and play a computer game. That's a honest thing, although not always smart. (Too much chocolate will make me sick, too much computer games will not leave me time to do the other stuff I should do.) But I don't try to make it some kind of holy obligation to buy computer games, and I expect others to not try to justify buying furniture, cars, wallpaper and alcohol unless these things are actually needed. Sure, it is contemporary civilization to act like that, but I dislike and scorn contemporary civilization. Thus, no respect either way.

That doesn't mean I don't respect people. I just don't respect the same THINGS they do. Especially when the things actually are things, as opposed to more abstract "things". Curtains are good for keeping out curious eyes, depressing landscapes or too bright light, and my respect for them extends that far. As objects of beauty they will not make it past a once-in-a-lifetime nod of appreciation. I have found otherwise very pleasant women to be utterly fascinated with curtains and things on that level. In such circumstances, silence is the best I can offer. And you can't base a relationship on silence.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.