Sunday 26 October 2003

Pic of the day: Cold and bright?

To be needed

Today my very pious friend visited me once again. It has been a few months since last time. He gave me back the stack of popular science magazines he had borrowed last time, and borrowed a new stack. Knowing his interest, I had collected them in a separate place after reading them. But of course this was not the real reason he came. His main interest, as usual, was the Kingdom of Heaven.

For some reason, which I suspect can have very little to do with my personal holiness, I seem to be able to answer even questions I have not thought about before. And often I have ... it seems that he tends to bring up things that have just spontaneously been on my mind in the meantime. It is as if I am some sort of "accessory", through which he can gain answers instead of getting them directly from God. I suppose that can be a help to stay humble. It is kinda humbling for me too, strangely enough, because I am acutely aware that it is just a knowledge to me. I am not actually a very saintly person, so that I should have knowledge concerning spiritual things.

The Bible says that spiritual gifts are given for the common good. It is compared to how the different members on our body contribute to the whole body but also depend on it. I guess this is why this man keeps prodding me now and again to go back to the church. But I don't think the church lacks knowledge. On the contrary, I fear they have more knowledge than they can absorb. What good then my revelations, as long as I don't have a life where I can tell saints: "Follow me"?

I guess I can tell most of you, who are definitely not saints, to follow me. I am a pretty happy person overall. But by divine standards I fall disastrously short.

***

It is a human trait, the need to be needed. Old, lonely people may get a cat or a dog and happiness returns to their lives. Parents feel needed by their children, and lovers need each other. I know I have commented on this before, but I am struck by how many love songs contain statements like "I can't live without you!" Evidently this makes a strong positive impression on humans. Except for me.

I like to feel useful. I feel a glimmer of joy when I hear that something I said made someone think, or when something I did was helpful. I am not so remote from humanity that I don't appreciate feedback. What I don't like is to feel needed. I don't want anyone to depend on me. I don't want to be irreplaceable. And I don't want others to be irreplaceable to me, either. "The graveyards are full are irreplaceable people", as a Norwegian politician once pointed out.

Babies need their parents, or someone in the same role. But for adults it is meaningless risktaking to depend on one person, whether it be emotionally or financially. Even if people are trustworthy, they are still mortal. And even while we live, time and circumstance may keep us from fulfilling the expectations of others. Far better then to hedge our bets, to defuse the risk, and draw from several sources. Don't depend on me, don't need me, be able to live without me... even without missing me. Missing is a form of suffering, and I don't want you to suffer. Only someone steeped in darkness could enjoy holding the keys to another's happiness. If I ever found myself in that position, I would hurry to give you those keys while I still could, so you could hold your happiness in your own hands. This is how I live. In God I trust, but even then only because I have no choice...

Even though I don't love you, that doesn't mean I hate you. Even though I don't need you, that doesn't mean I don't care. And even though I don't want to be needed, I still want to be useful. If you can believe this, you should find it simple to relate to me. If you want to.