Saturday 4 October 2003

Pic of the day: Looks like a human, quacks like a human ... And now, the thousand words.

The examined life

It is midnight. I spent much of the day playing Rubies of Eventide, and learned quite a bit more. I wrote some paragraphs of another blue entry, RoE day 2. Then I was interrupted by a sudden, intense pain in my lower guts. It was a few inches away from where it has hurt before, so I suppose it was not the same thing. Also it disappeared when I lay on my right side for a while, so probably just gas pain or some such. We'll find out, no doubt, one way or another. Still, it was kinda scary, and totally ruined my gamey mood.

That is not necessarily a bad thing. OK, the pain was, but not having my game study interrupted. Two blue entries in a row is probably enough. If I live on, as I sincerely hope, then there will surely be time later for a more mature review. If not, well, it is probably not the thing I will regret the most in my life, not having completed a games review.

***

So I asked myself: What would you really want to tell your readers? I write about so many different things, from games and comics to politics and religion and economics. And I write a bit about my own life, such as it is. Where I hurt today, what I've been eating, how long I've walked, what I'm writing, what new computers or computer parts I have bought. Pretty varied, and I like it that way. I am pretty varied. Sometimes I am lighthearted, sometimes heavyhearted. Although it is not quite like I put off one mood and put on another. Even during intense joy, there is a strong serious undercurrent, and even in pain and fear there is a foundation of gratitude. It is not like this, when I write a blue entry, I have done nothing but play that computer game all day. Well, it is certainly not often at least ... And the same with other topics. I may pick one, but that does not mean I am thinking only of that topic. No. You have to combine them to see me, like the small pieces of a mosaic. Each piece may be in only one color, but together they form a very different picture.

And in a way, I guess this is what I want to convey, too. The sheer wingspan of a man's soul. Weak and strong, foolish and wise, playful and stern, fantasizing and dispelling illusions, in hope and fear, in love and solitude, a destroyer and creator, an ordinary man, unique like us all.

There are some things I feel that I can teach, things I feel most people could benefit from learning, to become more like I am. To depend less on others, to not be easily controlled. To be happy with less luxury, to enjoy what they have instead of chasing after more. To look inward from time to time, not just look at everyone else and everything around us. But it is pretty vague. I don't feel that I can make a doctrine and tell people: "Do this, don't do that."

We don't all live under the same conditions, and we don't all have the same experiences in the past. We don't even have the same brain, and I don't just mean the IQ. Some people are more emotional, some are more rational, some are easily excited and others are calm by nature. And of course, some are married, some have children, some ARE children. I cannot possibly tell everyone what to do. And even if I could, it would be hubris, to make myself into a god. That is not what has been done to me. No. The Light within has struggled for all these years to convince me to do the right thing; it is not something that has been pushed on me from outside. Perhaps if I was pushable, I would have come further in good, and more easily. But how deep would it go in my soul?

That is why I paint this mosaic picture. For those who only see the pieces, they are welcome to them. If all you wanted was a review of a computer game, sure! Often I will search on the Net for such things myself, and I don't ask about the health of the writer's body or soul, his dreams and his fears and his loves. So I don't require that. If you want my pictures or my analysis of the world economy, feel free to take them and leave. But if, for some reason, you get intrigued ... If you get a glimpse of the larger picture and want to see more ... It is there. I don't know how long it will stay online after my passing. But for now, it is all here. You can learn to know me better than my coworkers or even my brothers (well, unless they have started reading again), better than some people know their own family. Perhaps you find something you want to emulate. Perhaps you find something you want to avoid.

They attribute to Socrates the quote: "The unexamined life is not worth living." As someone else commented, the unlived life is not worth examining either. I hope I have struck a balance here. It surely is not all hope and dreams. I don't live in the future, nor try to rewrite the past. I tell my life and my world as I see it. A life that has rarely been dramatic, true. But a life that has been thoroughly examined. And will continue to be, even more so, if I live. This is as close to a promise as I come. What I am, I share with you. If you want to grok me, feel free.