Sunday 22 October 2000

Pic of the day: Bearing fruit that lasts. Yes, it's the rowan again. I guess there won't be many more of these now, but it's still there and it's not giving up.

Good days and bad

You know what? No? Neither do I, but it is back. Shortly after breakfast, I got this bad-ass diarrhea and gut pains. Even though I have not eaten any meat, fish, raw veggies etc for the last two days at least. Even ran a slight fever for a while. It got worse if I laid down, so I slept half an hour in my chair. That helped a bit. Hours later, I only feel like I swallowed a self-inflating balloon. (If that sounds familiar, it may be because I whined anout that feeling for days at the end of this summer.)

If all goes well, then, I may lose a bit weight again. I don't know how much I have regained after the penicillin cure early this fall - it sure left me a bit reduced, in body mass at least. I'm pretty sure some of it has not yet returned, because it is still easier to walk up stairs and hillsides than it used to be. And I still use the old belt, because the new does not have holes that far in. The one I've used the last couple years.

If things don't go that well, then ... I have no one to look after me, no one to take care of me, no one to comfort me. No one to tell me that it's just hypochondria, that I'm just playing for attention, that I should be out working overtime so we could have some better digs to live in. No one to throw out my old books and magazines while I'm looking the other way, and then scold me for not doing it myself.

So, I hope things go well. :)

***

It's all righ, I'm not lost;
I've got a reading on the Southern Cross
and I've been listening to the radio
for signs of new life.
Some people find the game too tough
and there are those who've simply had enough;
but I'm still here and I'm not giving up
- I'm going the distance!
Whatever it takes, I have to fight
to build a better world, and make it right
and when I'm alone - it's late at night -
I reach out and you're right here by my side.

When everything has gone
you help me carry on
you lift me up
you make me strong
you give love to see me through
Oo oo oo - what would I do
without you
by my side?

(Chris de Burgh, By my side, from the CD Power of Ten)

Yeah, I know I have commented on this now and then before. It's sort of funny, that most people (and, unless I am horribly mistaken, de Burgh too) would think he was singing about a human. Like a wife or some such. Rather than a god, which actually could make some difference. I've known some really good humans, but certainly not enough to give my life meaning when I doubt, or give me strength when I stumble.

I may have been particularly unlucky with the humans that I know (though this is not my impression, as there are a few outstanding exceptions) or I may have been particularly lucky (probably wrong word) with my god. Because the main advantage of the human, as I see it, is that you can't jolly well cuddle a god. If any of you know a way to do that, mail me, and I'm all set.

Of course I still have this nagging doubt, and it surfaces in particular every time I am sick, that it is all too good to be true. That on judgement day, God will turn out to be the jealous narrowminded avenger that the churches use to preach. There is some scriptural support in the parable of the rich man and Lazarus: The rich man had a great time on earth and had fun all day long; but in the afterlife, he woke up to a terrible suffering. With the poor guy it was the other way around. That is certainly a disturbing thought. I guess that's another score for the humans: They are basically harmless, in the long run.

But if I should judge on past experience, I'd much prefer to be here alone with my god without a human rather than the opposite. If that was the choice, and sometimes I wonder if it wasn't. Anyway, done is done. I'm still here, and I'm not giving up. I'll cling to life till they pry it from my cold dead fingers...