Wednesday 20 November 2002

Pic of the day: Perhaps the computer game The Sims will teach a new generation that an integral part of kissing is running your hands all over your beloved's rear end. Or perhaps they would have found that out eventually anyway.

Sexy glutes

It is not something I usually do, to add to an entry after I have uploaded it. I do occasionally correct spelling mistakes in year-ago entries (for some reason it is much harder to see when it is new), but that is that.

Yet last night a while after uploading I decided to replace the fan- service link so as to embed the picture in a small entry of its own. Because my readers now are probably not quite the same as they were, and neither am I. Back in 1999 when I first started randomly including butt pictures, I was a more playful and whimsical person. Oh, I'm still "playful" in that I play computer games a lot, but I am older and more cynical now, verbose in writing and terse in speech. It may seem out of character for me to keep up my traditions of juvenile humor. So I do what I seem to do a lot lately: I explain it.

***

Since the day is spoiled anyway, I've decided to write a short overview about why butts are sexy. Well, some of them at least. OK, a random collection of thought on the topic.

It all starts with the apes. Well, actually it doesn't: Front to back sexual intercourse has been the standard for mammals and their progenitors for a hundred million years and more. But most of these animals don't look or act much like us. The great apes do. They are disturbingly similar to us in some ways. And they are mostly consummate butt-boys. Of course, they have the opportunity. If women walked on all four, and with their backsides almost level to men's faces, I think most men would also take a strong interest in butts...

Indeed, the distracting power of backsides is such that in both apes and monkeys they are used to avoid confrontation. (Quite literally ... the word confrontation is indeed based on the word "front".) When a monkey wants to avoid fighting with an angry member of its group, it will placate him (or even her) by presenting its backside. This is universally accepted as a surrender, and the dominant monkey will rub against the other's backside briefly and then move on to do whatever monkeys do. This is one example of behavior that is not shared by the so-called "naked ape", the human. When a man pulls down his pants and bends over, or even just tells another to kiss his ass, it does very little to reduce aggression ...

The female backside however retains some power to distract. Renowned primatologist Desmond Morris (who made famous the term "the naked ape" in his book of that name) has launched the theory that women wear high heels for this purpose. Not only does it help lift their hips slightly up into view, but it also distorts the movement of their walk so buttocks move more visibly. The use of high heels then is explained as an attempt to make men think of her as a potential sex object rather than as a rival. Of course, there is a fine line to walk here: When men see you as a sex object, they can be really persistent if not outright pestering. Morris never mentions this, but luckily high heels are also fabulous to put down on the feet or ankles of superheated males. (Not that I have experienced that personally, of course.)

Not that this has much practical value to the average reader, but women's backsides do in fact catch the eyes of males of other great apes, once the terror of first contact wears off. Orangutans for instance are sometimes (illegally) kept as pets in Asia, and elsewhere some apes are kept in captivity for the advancement of science. These animals have a keen sense of gender, and males will at times be more than happy to devote themselves to further study of a woman's rear. However, this is no great cause for alarm. Unlike some human men, the males of hairy apes will not proceed with mating when they don't find the signs of sexual readiness corresponding to their species. (This makes sense, since ape females are fertile only for a short and hectic time. Sex outside this window of opportunity is a total waste of energy. The exception being once again the bonobo or pygmy chimp, but even these tend to only perform a symbolic mating most of the time.)

In apes, there are changes in both smell and visual cues around the time of ovulation. The female's genital area, which is further in the rear than it is among women, grows more colorful and swells to a larger size. Dr Desmond Morris again seems to believe that the larger size of women's buttocks can be interpreted as permanent sexual swelling. Much as I am loath to overrule an expert on primates, I think this is far off. While the genital area that swells during estrus is unreasonably large by our standards, it does not encompass the whole gluteal area. A more reasonable explanation is based on another tenet by Dr Morris, that the larger buttocks of humans are an intrinsically human trait, as it follows from our need to stand upright and walk about. The gluteus muscles make for a unique human trait, and by further padding this area with fat, women look "super human", and cannot be mistaken for other apes. This may have been important at some time in the past, as men are notoriously clueless. "Hmm... who was my mate again? The small hairy one with the sloping forehead, or the tall hairless one? Oh! I know! The one with the roundest butt!"

I also agree with Dr Morris (much difference as this makes to the scientific community ...) that the unique round shape of women's breasts are probably made to match their round buttocks. It seems too much of a coincidence to have shown up separately. It has certainly been a success then, since the breasts have by and large overtaken the buttocks as areas of interest for the human male.

Still, the buttocks remain highly decorative and a good squeeze. And you will often find women holding their man's backside too. Actually, being usually shorter, women may find this less of a stretch. Also, for reasons unknown to me, men as well as women tend to enjoy having their backsides held, caressed and gently squeezed. (So do children, but I don't think this should be overdone, as it may not be a safe and socially acceptable habit.)

***

A final consideration, though it is kinda sad that I feel the need to mention it. There is no clear connection between the admiration of buttocks and anal sex. Despite the hype, anal sex is not something most people engage in, and especially not more than once. It is usually uncomfortable and often outright painful, according to those who have tried. It is also obviously not the most hygienic of activities, though it is actually not the origin of most sexually transmitted diseases. (Recent progress in molecular biology indicates that most of these rather tend to be related to less virulent infections in other species, mostly domestic livestock. But let's not go there. Eww.)

The main selling point of anal sex (beside the pain and discomfort) is that it can be used between men, and without risking to get your tender body part bitten off. In short, if you're a guy who need to have sex with guys you don't trust, this is the way to go. It really doesn't look like a mass market to me, at least not in peacetime. It is kinda sad that this fairly rare perversity has gotten so much hype. It kinda ruins the reputation of a great and beautiful part of the human body. Remember that the Greek goddess of love was named Aphrodite Kallipygos - Aphrodite of the beautiful buttocks. A lovely name indeed. ^_^