Friday 21 May 2004

Pic of the day: In the anime, the main character occasionally (when he is strongly moved by emotion) has the power to perform magic, and then on an astounding scale. In seconds the sky is filled with dark clouds and thunder and rain falls down on the city. Back when I still believed in magic, it would take several minutes to summon a thundercloud from a blue sky, even when I was out of my usual self with feelings. And even then I assumed it was kinda God doing it for me, or I for Him. Now, of course, I know it was coincidence each time, and always will be.

My overwhelming strength?

I mentioned the anime Kyou Kara Maou, and how it has a wonderful opening song. It is very cheerful and uplifting, the melody is, and its performance as well is filled with energy. The lyrics are in Japanese, and as usual it is hard to translate exactly into English. I've seen worse, though. The three translations I have seen only differ in details. I considered trying to consolidate them, but then again three versions make for a longer entry... ^_^ I've kinda harmonized the punctuation, but mostly just written down word for word.

***

"Hateshinaku tooi sora ni" (To Endlessly Faraway Sky)

So that my feelings of thanks
reach the endlessly faraway sky
I spread my arms and laugh.
Both you and I hold lone pieces
of the small fragile fragments of our lives.
The light of truth gains brightness,
the darkness disappears
and your heart shines upon the future.
One thing I'll promise: I'll be living here;
We'll take things are they are
and gaze into the pure white.
My thoughts will someday reach fate,
and I'll find unlimited strength.
To the endlessly faraway sky ...

Translation by rp (Shoujo-Ai & Live-Evil fansub)

To send my feelings of "thank you"
to the infinitely distant sky,
I spread both my arms and laugh.
This small, fragile piece of life is held
by you and me.
The true light increases the brightness;
the darkness fades,
and your heart lights the future.
Let's make a promise: Here I will live;
I like things the way they are;
let's gaze at that pure whiteness.
My thoughts will some day reach my destiny,
and I will discover my overwhelming strength,
in the infinitely distant sky.

Translation by Takeecchi (AnimeoNE fansub)

So that this feeling of "Thanks"
reaches the distant, endless sky,
I smile with both my arms wide open.
Both you and I possess
those tiny, delicate fragments of life,
one for the each of us.
The light of truth is increasing in its luminance;
vanquishing the darkness,
so that your heart will shine on the future.
Let's promise one thing: I will be here;
it's good as it is;
let's take in the pure white colors.
Our feelings will someday reach destiny,
and we will find limitless strength...
in the distant, endless skies.

Translation: Kagari/Tatsoccer (Anime-Keep & Ayu fansub)

***

I guess the song doesn't make a lot of sense. Then again, the Japanese can be subtle. I suspect it is a love song, songs often are, especially when they contain phrases such as "you and me".

But for myself, the most fitting part is the line, "I like things the way they are". Even that is a stretch to hope for in the long run, of course. In the long run, we are all dead. (In the even longer run, this may change, but that is well into the realm of religion.) But as you may have noticed, I like things the way they are. I like to live here, and I like to hold this small fragile piece of life. Whether I can truly hold onto it all alone, I guess this has not until now been put seriously to the test. But I have written too much on that note already, have I not? This has been the worst May for my journal since 1999, I think. If I live, I will almost certainly cringe when reading it.

And there is the worry, for lack of a better word; perhaps "fear" is more fitting ... that one day my mind will reach my fate, and I will uncover that hideous strength. And it might shatter the bland whiteness in which I find quiet.

It is probably always there, coiled up like a snake, in the hidden room. Sometimes when I am tired, the reality wears thin, and I can sense it. But I say to myself: This isn't me. And strictly speaking, I guess it isn't. And anyway, for each passing year I think I believe a little less in it. But still ... sometimes it seems to me that just as I failed my quest to become a god, so I am about to fail my quest to become human. Oh, I go to work and come home from work. I eat snacks and play games and when absolutely necessary I do the laundry or vacuum the floor. I stay up doing fun things till I am falling asleep in my chair, and then drag myself to bed. I sleep, a bit less than I should, but I rarely remember my dreams anymore. Then I get up, check my mail, and go to work again. I live here, I like things the way they are, and I gaze quietly at the whiteness.

What does it matter anyway? A hundred years from now, most of us will be forgotten. Those who have children will perhaps be remembered by name, but not much more, as their grandchildren tell their children again about their family. Certainly most of those who lived a century ago are little more than names on headstones now. And a thousand years ... only historians remember things that far away, unless you founded a new religion or some such. Ten thousand years ... we have a vague idea that ten thousand years ago some people did not live in caves anymore, but we have no idea who they were; not even the name remains, only the occasional cave painting or stone shard. Do you really think that ten thousand years from now, anyone will remember me or you, no matter what miracles we perform? And yet, this is but a blink of an eye in the lifetime of our planet, itself a dust mote in one of countless millions of galaxies scattered through spacetime, coming into existence and fading as time passes over them, dust dancing in the sunbeam.

No matter what I do, I will still die; the universe will still die; I will be forgotten, and the universe itself will fade to black. Perhaps there will be new universes; quite possibly. But they will know no more about this than we. Vanity of vanities! All is in vain. There is no strength, only desperation born of illusion. I will gaze into the pure whiteness. The sky is infinitely distant. I will not give in to the illusion of strength. I will not succumb to hope in this world.

Please don't kill yourself (or me) yet! Be sure to read the startling conclusion in tomorrow's entry, Hard rain!