Thursday 24 May 2001

Pic of the day: From where comes the cold in the middle of summer? From where comes the darkness at noon?

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely
and you're never coming 'round.
Every now and then I get a little bit tired
of listening to the sound of my tears.
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous
that the best of all the years have gone by.
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
and then I see the look in your eyes.
Every now and then I fall apart ...
every now and then I fall apart.

Total Eclipse of the Heart, written by Jim Steinman.

***

I am sorry for the delay. But it has been hard to find the words. Not that I have not tried, repeatedly, many times. I still don't think it makes sense. Simply because I remain certain that you all lack the experience to understand it - lack any frame of reference. At best I may build one by allegory, I guess.

You see, I'm having god troubles. Or Jesus troubles, more exactly. It happens now and again. And I kind of suspect it must be very hard to get for those who don't live with a discarnate incarnation, or rather a discarnate extension of same. I admit it is kind of unusual.

***

The love between a man and his god is all the stronger for not being physical. At least as much as any love between humans, there is the experience of being in each other's hearts - because truth to tell, that is pretty much the only meeting place. Do not under-estimate this power if you are unfamiliar with it: Many people have died for their god, and at least one incarnation has died for his people too.

Yet the whole thing about two spirits but only one body, it complicates things a bit. You may compare it to an internet relationship. You have perhaps met someone on the Net who you felt real love and understanding from, and soon you seemed to exchange part of your souls. Yet there is always an underlying uncertainty ... doubt. And doubt is the poison of a religious relationship more than anything else.

Eventually you will phone your Net friend, and perhaps meet in the flesh. But you can't do that with a deity. And sometimes this really gets to me. Today was Ascension day, where we celebrate that Jesus Christ left this planet and went elsewhere. I have been told that this is overall a good thing. But I am not good with spirits. I am more of a scientist than a spiritist. I would like for Jesus to return, so that I can find out if my invisible friend is a true representation of him or mostly my own subconscious imagination. I can't help but notice that different christians seem to have different Jesuses, and that upsets me. I would rather he come back and I find that I have been wrong, than not knowing at all.

But it's been a long long time. I miss him. I wish he were here. Not every month, but every year I think, sometimes more. And then my heart cries out in despair, because I do not trust myself to keep faith. I am simply not such a sure, confident christian. Some times I just seem to fall apart. A total eclipse of the heart.