Saturday 22 March 2003

Pic of the day: Bootstrapping the energies. "Cheap Restore Magicka" effect from the role playing game Morrowind. In real life, there are subtle differences ...

Recharging

It was good to have a day off. It was good to feel the pain from yesterday's dentistry fade like morning mist. It was good to be alone, to polish my fiction and add a new bit. It was good to watch some good anime instead of reloading CNN again.

Inspired by some of my favorite anime and some pretty good fan fiction, I have written a short story set in an anime-like fantasy world. It is more a question of atmosphere really. You can find it here if you are interested. It is not required reading. And it is less autobiographical than this journal anyway. But you are welcome to it if you want.

***

One detail from the end of the short story. The main character is a magic user, and I talk about him "bootstrapping" his energies. Don't take this literally, but I say that his lower chakra (energy centers) are replenished by the body, the middle by ambient energy, and the higher by spiritual energy. In this story, he is exhausted because he exerts himself too much early in the morning. A can of cola helps him get his blood sugar back up, and a bit of rest does the rest, as it were. Once the basic needs of the body are met, he draws in ambient energy from the area around him, and finally reaches into the spiritual realm to fully restore his higher levels. Of course this is total fiction, but it says something about the way I operate too.

Sometimes I am just physically tired. These days, physical exertion is a rare thing, but lack of sleep is not uncommon. The way to handle this, in my humble opinion, is to give the body at least a minimum of what it requires. Build my energies from the bottom up: Take care of the body's basic needs.

Then there are the needs of the soul. In some, there is a strong need for beauty, in others for knowledge. You can probably guess which of them I am. But I freely admit that music often makes me feel stronger, lifting the soul and giving it new energy.

When it comes to the spiritual realm, I do not have much advice to give. I know I have a need to create, as strong as an instinct. I think this belongs to the spirit; for we are created in God's image, and God is spirit. Therefore, the "creator" part of us must be spirit too.

***

But there is something else. Sometimes there is a deep emptiness within me, that words can not express. A depletion, a tiredness, a hunger not of the body. And then I reach out, and bliss flows into me, or those are the best word I can find. Like a shining light, like clear water, like pure beauty (without a beautiful object), flowing freely. And as I open myself to the bliss, it fills my mind with pleasure that pushes all words aside. Only the strongest of physical pleasures can even compare to it, yet this is not located in any part of the body. Rather it seems to enter the soul from the opposite direction of the body, and spill over into the body in waves of goosebumps running across my skin.

I have no other explanation than that this must be the aura of God I touch. But I guess our ideas of God are pretty weird compared to the reality. Perhaps many other names could be given, I don't know. Perhaps it is just my upbringing in a Christian country that makes me associate this. I believe the experience is similar to what Hindus call Samadhi. It certainly looks similar to how some have described it. Perhaps people in all cultures experience this recharging of the spirit, but not all of them give thanks to a personal god for it. I am not sure even whether God is bothered by that. Perhaps he delights as much in giving as I do in receiving. Perhaps he thinks "finally, there's a thirsty spirit again that I can feed". (Of course God doesn't actually think in English, or even along the time axis ... I just translate it into my own reality.)

The effect of this divine touch is indeed a fulfillment or recharge. Despite the beauty of it, it cannot go on forever. It is like it fills my spirit to a measure, and when it is full, it stops. To seek it again just for the pleasure feels kind of wrong, and it doesn't work either. Once it is done, it is done.

I believe that if I become more spiritual, this third need will probably become more and more dominant, and the others take up a lesser and less part of me, but never in this life cease. There will always be need of food and water and sleep, although gurus are said to need much less of them. And similarly, I suspect there will always be need for knowledge and beauty. But what do I know? I am not a guru.

***

It may seem unreasonable that such a gift is freely giving to one so undeserving. Why would God want to just put his blessing at the hand of a guy who writes lies about clueless half-naked magicians? The Bible says that all liars are outside the Kingdom of God and bound for eternal banishment. Perhaps this is what Jesus said, that the wheat and the weeds would grow together until the harvest. Perhaps I shall not know for sure until then whether I am a stalk of wheat bearing good fruit, or a weed spreading poison. It is a sobering thought indeed.

But at least no weed was harmed during the preparation of this entry, no matter what it looks like!