Monday 10 March 2003

Pic of the day: Screenshot from The Sims. Do I really need to comment on this one?

Aloneness

None of this should be new to regular readers, but I may not have put it together like this before. The reason I do so now is partly that yet another human has bothered to contact me. And I am once again reminded of how hard this is to understand for most people.

First, for as long as this link still works, you should go read the essay Caring for Your Introvert. It is not by me, but still good. ^_^ Basically, some people just don't like to be immersed in people all the time. They need to be let alone for some of the time; and if they talk with people, they want to talk with so few people that they can give and get undivided attention. The sound of babble is not comforting to them.

I am such a person. I am an introvert. I do not value human company as a sound carpet. If you don't have anything to say, don't say it to me. Or in other words, don't start your mouth when the brain is not running. I do not need the sound, the sight, the smell of humans around me to be happy. In fact, it is a distraction. When there are humans around, I tend to give them my full attention. Most people neither expect nor deserve that. They are just flock animals, like sheep, who feel secure when surrounded by others of their species. I am not like that. I am fine with my own company unless I have something specific to ask or tell. Or tasks to perform that require more than one person.

***

As far as we know, animals are not self-aware. They are aware of their body but not of their own awareness. This seems to be special for us humans, this sentience: We are aware of our awareness, and therefor of our awareness of awareness, and so on for infinity. We are as self- aware as we choose to be, there is no limit really. Except if we turn completely inward, we will lose contact with the world we live in. This is perhaps what is called autism. The autist has no interest in communicating with others. On the other extreme, we can imagine someone who has no interest in communicating with himself. No interest in censoring his own thoughts or judging his own actions. No guilt, no shame, no conscience, no goal to orient his life toward. To me, such a situation sounds like being an animal. If this was the life in paradise, I am not planning to pester the angel to get back in.

I believe that humans come with varying degree of self-awareness. Some grown-ups are like small children in that they need the attention of others constantly, they are unable to feed themselves attention. On the other hand, they may have problems giving or even receiving high- intensity attention, because the self is poorly developed and unable to handle such strong concentration. Instead they flitter about socially. You know flitter, like butterflies. Flapping from flower to flower, landing briefly and taking off again. They are at their best in the large party, where they can mingle without giving or receiving anything of value.

Most people are not quite that shallow. But neither are they like the philosophers, who constantly think about their own thoughts. These thoughts are trapped in a loop where they go round and round for a long time, being steadily refined until they are finished. By then, they are often hard to understand for everyone else, including other philosophers, because they have grown so far apart from the world around them. And sometimes the thoughts just go round and round without being improved. This is a mental illness and can cause people much suffering.

I am on the shallow end of philosophy, I guess. I look at the world around me and it makes me think. I look at people and they make me think. But I don't entirely forget the things that made me think and focus on the thought alone, the abstract ideas. There should always be a connection to the world, for me. But I don't want my brain smeared out over the physical world like jam on toast. The world and I, separate but connected, that is how I like it. And the same with people. I don't want to blend with them into a group mind. In fact, I cannot do that. I remain self-aware even through the most intense experiences.

***

I wonder sometimes if we lack a good word for being alone on a regular basis by choice. Loneliness tastes of sadness and want, missing company. Single is a family status. Lonesome is a bit too much like lonely. Alone is a fairly neutral word, but you don't talk about "aloneness". Solitude is probably the best word. I like solitude. It is a French word, and since I was a teen I have remembered this French song, though I never found it again. There was this line, which I had never before heard anyone say: "Je ne suis jamais seul avec ma solitude" – I am never alone with my solitude. Or, I am never lonely when I am with my solitude.

I find it hard to convey this to the majority of people. After all, the majority of people are outgoing. This is not a miracle; it must surely be easier for them to find a mate and have children like themselves. Not all people can meet their lifemate through the letter column of Superman, after all. (This actually happened to a fellow journal writer, Al Schroeder of Nova Notes. Sometimes reality is stranger than fantasy, and sometimes the two of them are pretty close.)

***

So, in short, I like my own company. I am not scared of people. I don't hate people. I just don't need them as a surrounding. I don't need or wish to be part of a flock, a herd, a pack. Unless you are an individual, you hold no more interest for me than a vending machine. And frankly, it seems you don't even interest yourself, or you would appreciate your own company more.