Tuesday 22 June 2004

Pic of the day: Screenshot from the anime Boys Be.... A shadow falls over our hero.

The solitary cross

No, this entry is not really about the founder of a world religion, although the choice of symbol certainly shows an awareness of that background. After all, in his final suffering that man did not cry out, "The pain! The pain!" but "Why have you left me?" ... showing that even crass physical pain can be less daunting than the soul-pain of isolation. This entry is about isolation, and it's not even all about me.

"The solitary cross" is the title of episode 10 of the anime Boys Be.... Spoilers for this anime abound in today's entry. The anime is highly recommended, especially for young people but also for those who may have forgotten how it was to be young.

The animated series is in Japanese, but it will be translated into English and published by a company called "Right Stuf". (Yeah, with a single f.) Somewhat uncritical in what they release, but they already sell some nice movies, just don't tell anyone you got it from there. ^_^*

***

The story so far: High school student Kyoichi has discovered new feelings for the girl Chiharu, a classmate and childhood friend. Even though he does not consider himself a man who can impress women (he is an artist, Chiharu an athlete), she discovers his newfound interest and the two get closer. However, during training camp Chiharu experiences for the first time sudden love for a boy. This boy is not one who is available, he already has a girlfriend, and none of them want to sacrifice their current relationships. However as the two of them say goodbye, they kiss (and not extremely briefly), unaware that Kyoichi has arrived and is watching. Neither Chiharu nor Kyoichi is able to talk about what has happened, and the two are now separated by a wall of silence and misunderstanding.

That autumn, Kyoichi starts to suffer from nightmares and something akin to panic attacks, a numbing sadness and feeling of isolation. Now Kyoichi finds himself plagued by sleeplessness as he lies in his bed, cold from the autumn night air, waiting for the attacks. The nightmares show large rotating propellers, wrecked airplanes, and the shadow of the three wrecks form the shadow of three crosses, the largest in the middle.

(Japan is not a Christian country, it has less than 0.7-4% Christians, depending on your sources. There is some overlap, as many Japanese combine more than one religion. Most Buddhists and some Christians also incorporate elements of the traditional Shinto faith/culture. But some parts of Christian symbolism are fairly well known even by the Shinto/Buddhist majority. Japanese celebrate Xmas and churches are popular for weddings. Ironically, Christianity in Japan seems to come across as a happy, life-affirming religion.)

Kyoichi also has two good male friends from his class. He tells them about his problem. The ecchi (indecent) friend is convinced that it all boils down to the "no girlfriend syndrome", which he sees as the root of all evil. The sporty one brushes it off as something one should not think about with an IQ of less than 200. All people can be lonely, there is no reason to ask why. But Kyoichi is not just lonely, the feelings are eating away at his life, and he begins to fear them getting into his waking day as well.

Since the end of summer, Kyoichi has worked part time in a video shop. There he finds himself working with another boy from his arts class at school, a soft-spoken and pretty boy who can easily be recognized by the small gold cross he has hanging from one ear. (I am not sure if this is a sign that he is a Christian ... I think most others would hesitate to wear a cross, but it is never stated in any way.) This boy loves a girl but has not been able to tell her. He makes beautiful paintings of her, though. When he hears from a classmate that Kyoichi has been dumped (which may not be quite literally correct) he feels a similarity between them, and the two begin to talk about their lives.

One day at work Kyoichi watches on the promotional screens the end of a movie that is somewhat similar to part of his dream: The large propellers, crashing planes ... suddenly he gets an angst attack, and the world seems to fade around him, being replaced by the nightmare. He stands frozen, until the other boy takes his hand. There is a beautiful effect in the anime, where light starts to spread from their hands, chasing away the darkness, changing the surroundings like a ripple passing through a pond, and restoring the real world.

The hormone-crazed classmate appears and misunderstands. He fears that his friend has started pitching for the pink team, and it doesn't get any better when Kyoichi and pretty cross boy go out together. What he doesn't know is that they go to talk about planning for the boy to confess his love to the girl, and when they go shopping together it is to find clothes and a present so the boy can make a good impression with the girl.

Despite their best preparations, the boy is turned down. However, he finds that his fear and loneliness is gone, as he embraces art for its own value and not just as a way of expressing his longing for the ideal girl. Also Kyoichi finds his loneliness and his fear and his dreams are gone. But he wonders: If you don't need a girl to not be lonely, why do boys and girls still want one another?

That last question is just too innocent, considering the nature of his earlier fascination with Chiharu (such as the time when she got hot miso soup on her skirt and had to hurry to take it off, and watching her legs and other parts while she was running). But perhaps he, like me, has already factored these things in and still notices that there seems to be something more. There is, you know. The way our souls are shaped, men and women have different strengths and weaknesses, and we make each other more complete.

But more basic, and more important than that, is to be a fellow human when needed. And you don't need to be of the preferred gender for that. (Although it probably doesn't hurt either.) Sometimes when the ice grows thick around you, the thing you need is for someone to treat you as a human.

***

As long time readers will know, I also had a season of angst. This was after the last year that I studied in Bergen, and the girl troubles I had there. Even though I cannot fall in love the way most people do, I can still develop feelings over time. After I left for good without telling my feelings, I had this time when I would regularly wake up at night shaking with inner cold and fear. And above all, something very unfamiliar to me: A total loneliness, in which I felt that even God had turned his back on me. I dreaded going to bed, and my work suffered as I could not stay awake at day. The help of my friends was no help, but a burden, because they tried to make me forget while I was striving to remember. Until I met someone who ignored the roles I played and reached out to my soul. In my case it was not a boy, but a girl too much younger than me to see me as a man.

The last thing I wanted at that time was romantic love and the prospects of a family, and I banished those things from my life forever. Perhaps that was over the top or at least premature, but perhaps not. It has served me well enough, but that road is not for everyone. I suspect the story of Kyoichi will serve you better than mine, in this regard. Be sure to watch this wonderful anime and show it to your kids when they begin to grow up. Before they need to live through it for themselves.

Boys Be has also been subtitled in English by AnimeFactory and this version circulates on the Net until the license is announced. By the time you read this, you will likely need the help of pirates to get your hand on it. I apologize for not writing about this before. Wait, I actually did, only it was about the whole series. I guess it is your own fault then if you haven't seen it.