Thursday 13 June 2002

Pic of the day: I remember friends, but I no longer remember clearly what the point was.

Spiralling towards nothingness

This evening, I suddenly got fed up with Morrowind. OK, that's probably just till tomorrow. But even so, it kinda makes me think twice about buying a new 3D card for my computer just for Morrowind. I don't particularly miss it, but I hear that Morrowind is so gorgeous, awesome, breathtaking and so on, and it isn't that with my GeForce 2. Perhaps with a GeForce 4. Then again, perhaps I am fed up with it for good before that. Doubtful, but you never know.

Instead, I played The Sims. And thought a little bit.

***

Computer stuff seems to be nearly the only things I am still accumulating. And I wonder how long it will last until I start shedding that too. (Actually I only lack a conveniently placed container to get rid of my own weight in computer stuff. I can't throw it in the normal garbage. But I'm still getting new stuff too.) That and comic books, though I only subscribe to a handful of them now, and haven't had any new for the last couple months. I've played with the thought of trying to sort them and sell them. Since most of them have not been read in years – or even since I got them – and since I can remember each of them in detail when I open to the first page, it seems kinda wasteful to have them stacked here.

Shedding stuff is one thing, and right now lack of transport capacity is the main thing that keeps me from doing that. More important is perhaps the soul shedding. I'm more aware of it now after that semi-lucid dream where I had a vision of the soul rotating, spinning off dark particles that drifted away like smoke, dissolving, the soul growing smaller as it spun off more and more ... spiralling downward towards nothing, towards Nirvana, the final extinguishing.

I vaguely remember (even without reading my archives) that three years ago, I considered friends important. I did not have many, but I really valued the ones I had. Now, I'm barely even bothered to write this journal anymore. It is growing harder to remember what was the big deal about humans. What can they do for me, or I for them? The chasm is widening all around me ... or is it I who am growing smaller? Spiralling downwards toward Nirvana, or Hell.

I'd like to write a little bit more about Nirvana and Hell (I am starting to wonder if they are actually the same thing) but not tonight. I am sleepy and my arm threatens to hurt again.

I wonder if my religion will take the same road as the rest of me, into nothingness while I'm still alive (and presumably later too). I kinda hope not, but evidence is against me. Excuse me, fellow traveller, but is this the road to Oblivion?

Yeah I loved you all my life,
and that's how I want to end it;
the summer's almost gone,
the winter's tuning up.
Yeah, the summer's gone,
But a lot goes on forever ...
And I can't forget, I can't forget ...
I can't forget but I don't remember what.

Leonard Cohen: I can't forget (from the album I'm your man.)