Tuesday 6 June 2000

Pic of the day: See below.

Holding my own hand

I woke up quite tired. Yet I decided to get up and go to work and not sleep in, as I didn't want to rack up more undertime. I'm not paid for not being there, after all. Plus it irritates the workers. So I got up, but my digestion got jumpy so I didn't get away for work until an hour later. Heh. That's how it works. The earlier I get up, the more likely I am to be delayed. Still, staying at work till about half past five should give me nearly a full day's work. Had a big batch job to do at the end of the day anyway, so no big deal.

My right leg started to hurt fairly early. Yes, this is one of those days. It's probably not the flesh eating bacteria who have come to end my journal - more likely I've misused the muscles by walking around and trying to not step on the splinter. Anyway, it grew gradually worse through the day, and I remained tired, sleepy and unconcentrated.

These are the times when I'm tempted to hold my own hand.

Actually I don't need to literally hold it. It is enough to touch my right hand with the tip of one finger on my left, and keep it there. Though a bit more contact may improve the effect. Which effect? Well, this is the funny thing. I wonder if this is just me, or if it's a human thing. Something just happens in my brain, as if a circuit is closed or something. My brain starts to synchronize waves in the alpha band, and unless I actively resist it, I pass almost immediately into a wordless state of near-sleep, or something like meditation. No words, no ideas, no clear thoughts, just a limited awareness, of self and sense, and mostly of the contact between my hands.

Now I've heard that the left and right hemisphere of the brain are largely separate, connected only by a couple of cable bridges, and even less connected in us men than in women. But even so, I find this strange. I thought originally that this was why many christians fold hands while praying, but I'm not at all sure of that now. I think most people are actually talking to God while praying, not just hanging out in the radiance. And anyway, this effect seems to be physical, even biological. It is as if I was suddenly meditating, I am either conveyed deeper until I fall asleep, or remain partly conscious. I may feel refreshed when I break contact, but I may also feel unfinished, as if a natural process has been broken off halfway. (A slightly unpleasant sensation.)

The funny thing is that I can't say I've heard about this, ever. Or read about it, and I may have read more than most people do in a lifetime. There is no name for it that I know, not even an idiom. People talk about a hand to hold, but I've yet to notice anyone talking about holding one's own hand. Is this another mutant thing, or do people do this but just don't talk about it? That sounds weird, in these days where people talk about masturbation and what not. (No obvious comparison, I'm just illustrating that people aren't all that shy anymore.)

Oh my, I probably just ticked off a lot of childguard software. Oops. Well, kids are crafty these days. Perhaps you should keep an eye on them after this, to see if they perhaps "casually" touch their own hands instead of doing their homework.

I said to Hank Williams: how lonely does it get?
Hank Williams hasn't answered yet
But I hear him coughing all night long
A hundred floors above me
In the Tower of Song

(Leonard Cohen, Tower of Song.)

Really, you'd think that holding your own hand would be the lowest point of pathetic loneliness anyone could sink to. Yet I've done this "contact" thing since my teens at least. The more tired and confused I am, the stronger the effect. If I'm wide awake and excited, I don't feel a thing. If I'm seriously worn-out, my mind can change in seconds. It's strange, isn't it? I hope holding other people's hands isn't this powerful. To the best of my memory, I've never tried.

When I learned about meditation, I immediately recognized some of the stuff. And particularly that state of "emptyness", of not thinking but still being there. Funny. I wonder if this is a gift to all mankind or just to the one and only Magnus Itland. (Of course, I may just be the only one to admit it!)