Friday 2 July 2004

Pic of the day: This dark wall is probably a familiar sight for those who play City of Heroes. It's in Kings Row, a zone where lots of people don't have powers of flight or superjump yet, and it takes quite some time to get around, depending on where you are going.

The Dark Wall

I was so sure I had written about this. It is a pretty big deal sometimes. Basically it's like an angel and a demon and a neurosis and a conscience and a writer's block.

It's not a regular conscience though, one that reacts to me goofing off at work or memorizing women's bodies or daydreaming in intricate detail of how to kill and defile the bodies of people who don't respect me. No, such things are a matter of my own decision, to balance my wish to enjoy myself against the wish to please the Lord. Always a difficult choice. but it does not activate the Wall. It mainly reacts to hubris, like judging other people or prattling about points of theology which are only theoretical to me.

When I say judging, I mean people's morals. I can freely judge their skills and abilities in anything they attempt, and there is no reaction. But if I try to assume the position of God as judge of the soul, it becomes hard to breathe, hard to think at all, like I'm running into a wall of darkness or black fog perhaps. I named it this way because it stops me but I cannot see beyond it what would happen if I could go through.

It also reacts, most violently, if I get too friendly with most women. Or perhaps that's another internal entity, "complex" as C.G. Jung called them. But the effect is similar. I grow cold and my chest is constricted so it is hard to breathe. Kinda like a panic attack, except I see it coming, or rather waiting, like a black wall that I know I cannot get through. So I may just as well stop.

Oh, and it also doesn't like me writing about it, although it does not react quite so violently. I can feel it like a pressure on my chest right now. But all that is revealed is Light, is that not so?