Wednesday 4 July 2001

Pic of the day: A path too narrow for more than one?

Interdependence day

Ever since the dawn of our species, we have been social creatures. You can't let a human child loose and expect it to survive on its own for long - not even at an age where other mammals of the same size have offspring of their own. And even when we are finally grown up, we seem adapted to living in a society. Sure, an adult can live on his own if there is a plentyful supply of food nearby. But where we really excel is together, in "mutually interdependent relationships". Like tribes, workplaces ... or marriages.

I'm not much of a family man myself, you know. Allow me to explore this from a very different angle ...

***

I do appreciate female beauty, and I like women generally. I am also aware that men and women generally complete one another by their strengths and weaknesses and their different approaches. And, not quite unimportant, according to my religion marriage is the only recommended framework for sex. (Sex, as you will remember, is considered a good thing by almost everyone, in principle also me. Not that I would really know, of course.) No marriage, no sex, and rarely even a hug. Ahem.

Still, I think it is just not worth it. When I was young enough to still consider marriage as a possibility, I always felt bad at the idea of living with a person who saw the world so differently - living on a different level, if you want. (A lower level, in my highly biased opinion. A keen interest in curtains.) For all practical purposes, living in a different world. I felt that I would be able to understand her, but she would not be able to understand me.

In retrospect I guess none of us can truly understand another, but still ... I can read mainstream fiction and romance novels, and they make sense to me. They are recognizable and while I do not fully share the motivations, I understand them. And while Elle magazine is kind of boring, it is not alien and scary or overwhelming.

I think it boiled down to this, that a wife would have been like a pet. Someone who might like me if treated well, but with no capacity to truly understand me. Someone I could talk to, but who would not understand what I said. Just a pet which I would always have to condescend to, unable to ever become my equal. Or so I thought.

Now that it is all over, I've found that there are some women who are at least my equal. But of course by now they are already married (and divorced, usually) besides living on other continents ... or not my generation. Oh well. Perhaps some other guy can be lucky. Or perhaps these women must face the same problem that I did, to never have someone they can respect and share their mind as well as their body with.

But as much as I may have felt that few women were my equal (and in terms of grades, few were) I don't think that's the true story. There are many examples of marriages that are quite unequal in some way ... money, social status, ethnic background, physical handicap. Love is not necessarily a partnership, though it can certainly be that too. But it is not the real reason. No. The real reason was that I did not need anyone.

***

You see, this is not the only thing in my life that's different. There's something else, and ironically this is something that tends to disturb my female friends more than most other things about me. It is my relationship with my birth family - my brothers, grandparents and particularly my parents.

I liked them, I really did. And still do, for the majority who are still alive. They are good people, not just upright and honest but warmhearted and considerate. Also interesting, thoughtful, perhaps even wise to some degree. People one would be proud to count as friends. But I rarely ever see them. I rarely even talk to them.

My friends balk at this concept. I understand that there are many people who detest their parents, or at least one of them, not to mention siblings. But nonetheless they start to miss them pretty soon. There is something that draws them back. A need. But I don't need people. I am ... independent.

***

Interdependence. Needing one another. In our complex societies, we depend on others so much. We do not grow our own grass and feed it to our own cows and milk the milk for our cheese. We just go to the supermarket or local grocery. Others have done all the work, and we do work for them. Currency is simply the symbol of our interdependence. A symbol that we are worth something to someone. Objectively. Not just in nice words but in sacrifice.

But a romantic relationship is not quite like that. It is about emotional dependence. That we need another, not just for her ability to cook a better dinner than we do or make the garden into a corner of paradise. But need because we would feel bad without another, because life would feel empty and meaningless, as if some part of ourself was missing.

But I am not like that. Not ever. I am almost complete. Like a chair with three legs might become even more stable if you add a fourth, but unlike a chair with only two legs it will not fall over if left alone. I like friends, and there are some whose company I find better than nothing. But there is none I need to lean on. There is no one outside myself that I truly need.

I am independent. And I am convinced, all the way through, that you do not envy me ... or wish you were like me. Perhaps you even think it is sad. When all is said and done, you would rather be ... interdependent.