Freeday 21 July 2000

Pic of the day: Sunset over Chaos Node.

Not always be strong

My fingers were prickling. Well, not quite. It's hard to describe, but it's like they are vibrating very little but very fast. They are not, though. I look at them and they are quite steady. Anyway, I sometimes get this feeling after playing mouse-heavy games. I almost always get it after drinking coffee, in which case it may also hit the feet. Lots of chocolate will have that effect too. I did eat some chocolate today, at work. Hmm. Not lots of it, really.

Anyway, it was still day outside, though the sun was low in the west. I put on clothes, shoes and a MiniDisc and took a walk around the neighborhood. It was a beautiful evening, just slightly hot. Which in itself is quite a change from the chilly summer we have had most of the time, this year. I reached the top, looked from the hillside out to sea and the landscape under me, the forest, houses, more forest, the lake, the sea, the sky, the clouds. My minidisc player was singing. "You know that I cannot always be strong..."

Yes, I was still playing my mix disc for the Helonia project, and this was from the song Tender hands by Chris de Burgh. I guess it's actually a somewhat sensual (sensuous?) song, but I didn't think of it like that because the characters in my story were little more than children at the time. Anyway, I've thought this too sometimes. It echoed inside me. "You know that I cannot always be strong..."

***

I'm quite tired when I get up in the morning and go to work. Today I had to get up from my chair and take a walk now and then, to not fall asleep. I slept for most of the bus ride home, though. A few minutes of sleep helps a lot. After such mini-sleep, I can typically go on for hours more. I don't know why I need it so desperately, though. But it's been like that on and off for years. Right now, it's on.

I come home, perhaps get myself some food. Today I just had two glasses of chocolate milk. I wasn't much hungry. I had a slice of pizza for lunch. The few chocolates helped too. Oh, and all the yoghurt for breakfast. So, I'm not really starving here! :) Didn't feel hungry again till 23 (11) in the night.

After I've eaten a little, I often play computer games for a while. Today, like the last week, it was Master of Magic. Then I go through mailing lists and Usenet groups for various interests: Daggerfall, alternate timeline fiction, ethics in magic, strategy games, comic books, Robert Jordan's novels, online journals, Harry Potter books. And today I also got a personal e-mail (help me, I just wrote "personal novel" but luckily I spotted it in time) from an e-pal who is very interesting. Hmm. I hope that came out right. And I did take a walk. I sometimes do.

After writing my diary, I often find that it is way past midnight. Today it is not, I'm not sure why, but then again I haven't finished yet. And I even read 6 chapters of Harry Potter and the Paradigm of Uncertainty. Anyway, when it's late, I use to play a strategy game again, such as Master of Magic ... when it's late at night, I get sleepy from strategy games. In the morning, they make me wake up. In the afternoon, none of the above. Beats me. Anyway, I play until I fall asleep in my chair, or nearly so. That way, I'm not thinking when I go to bed. At least not much. I only think about surviving the night and waking up again. That's all I want. And the next day, I do it all over again. Hey, it's cheaper than drinking.

***

"You know that I cannot always be strong..." But I thought to myself, that's not how it works with me. The song claimed that he needed tender hands to hold him, he needed a friend to lie down beside him and lay her tender hands on his shoulders and his eyes. Stuff like that. I guess that works too, I'm not really sure. We don't do that. We never really did that, you know.

"Some people find the game too tough
and there are those who've simply had enough,
but I'm still here and I'm not giving up -
I'm going the distance.

Whatever it takes -- I have to fight
to build a better world -- and make it right.
And when I am alone -- it's late at night
I reach out and you're right here by my side.

When everything has gone,
you help me carry on;
you give love to see me through.
Oo oo oo ... what would I do
without you ... by my side?"

Chris de Burgh, By my side, from Power of Ten.

That's funny, you know. Because when I am alone, it's late at night ... I reach out and there's no one by my side. Who lifts me up? Who makes me strong? I guess that would be the legendary Jesus, then. Since there sure ain't no other obvious suspects. To be honest, I can't even prove that He's here at all (and people may surely wonder what He would be doing hanging out with someone like me, I wonder that myself) but it still beats the alternative.

I can't stand the thought that it's me all the way down. That I'm containing this power, this light within myself. No. I cannot always be strong. I should need someone. (Well, I probably will if I get old and frail and incontinent. But you know what I mean. I'm talking about my soul, or what passes for one.) I guess, if I had someone here by my side, a friend to lay her tender hands on my shoulder etc, I'd happily credit her. "What would I do without you by my side?" A bit late for that now, though.