Saturday 4 January 2003

Pic of the day: Quite a bit worried, and I think I had reason for it.

Emergency (?) update

Actually, I am writing this at 6AM on Sunday morning. Technically it should be in the Sundiary, but I think this takes precedence. Between 3 and 4 this morning I became acutely ill. I had fallen asleep in my chair in front of the computer, and that's where I woke up. At the time, I felt OK except I was still tired and my joints all ached and my hands were numb, especially the left. (The chair is not ideal for sleeping, you see.) As I was heading for the bedroom, I felt queasy, and went instead to the bathroom. It grew worse, and as I knelt before the toilet I started to feel very weak and dizzy.

This condition grew steadily worse. The queasiness did not, but I was not very focused on it anymore. My vision was largely replaced by areas of generic brightness, so I was unable to see anything clearly, much less read. I was also too weak to stand, so I spent some time on the living room floor, leaning on the seat of a chair. I was praying, as is good and proper when you face what may be the end of your life. (Evidently it wasn't quite as speedy an end as it seemed at the time, but there was no sign of this yet.) I was steadily losing my senses and the strength of my body.

As I realized I could not call for an ambulance (because I could not read the number), I eventually got to my feet and staggered outside. I went upstairs to the elderly couple living there, and pressed the door bell. To do that just before 4 in the night I must obviously have thought it was serious. I did then collapse in the snow before the door. (I seem to have a habit of collapsing on their doorstep. OK, this is the second time, but still.) But either they were not at home, or asleep, or scared of whatever evil creatures may ring the bell at 4 in the night. Nothing happened. Eventually I manage to stagger back home, as the snow was hardly a place to stay.

But a few minutes later, my mind strengthened, and then my vision started to return. While I sat down trying to write a farewell message on LiveJournal, my throat began to burn. (I had minor stomach pain all through the day before, and ate almost nothing. A couple boxes of yoghurt, a couple glasses of milk, and a few mouthfuls of Dark Dog, and a few grams of chocolate. In retrospect, I guess Dark Dog – a hypercaffeinated soft drink – was not the ideal choice.) The burning sensation was very similar to what I had felt on December 8, 2001 ... indeed, now the whole thing seemed eerily similar. Except that this time I did not faint briefly and completely, but rather was barely conscious for perhaps 15 minutes. Also the intense thirst was absent this time, and I did not throw up later. Well, not so far, and it's been two and a half hours.

I drank some water. Then I found an old honey box with some dried honey still covering the bottom, and scraped it up and ate it. Then I drank more water, and then ate one quarter of a pill against stomach acid overflow. This particular brand is supposed to both neutralize acid and reduce production for some hours. Stomach acid is a good thing so I did not want it all away, just back to normal levels.

***

I am still creeped out by what seemed like a brush with death. I still don't know why it turned so ugly. When last I was at the hospital, the doctor said that it is not unusual to grow faint when the stomach is upset, but I have puked pretty badly in my younger days without such effects. They did check my heart when last I was in hospital, and found nothing wrong with it. Nor did they the time before, when I fainted on the doorsteps last time. So I resist the urge to try to get an ambulance or something. Not very likely that I would get one, since tonight (and the night before) is the weekly Binge Drinking Night. There are lots of Norwegians with the same symptoms, the main difference being that they have ingested large amounts of poison (usually alcohol) and I have not. Which is not easy to see over the phone. Besides, even if I did get to the hospital, chances are that others need it more.

Unless it happens again, in which case I am dying here alone and helpless. But whether that is more likely to happen later today, or next year, or ten or thirty years from now ... this I don't know.

***

Regular readers will know how I feel about life, death and the afterlife. I love life, I hate death, and I hope that God will resurrect me eventually. I have no good reason to believe this, except that I hope it. Well, that and the people a couple thousand years ago who would rather die than back off their stories about Jesus being raised from the dead. Of course, even if those stories are true, it is not obvious that the same will happen to me. We don't have that much in common. Except that, as far as I know, I don't hate anyone in the world. I have no enemies, from my side at least, nor do I know of anyone who hates me. This was the thing Jesus considered most important in life, and I have also tried and prayed that it must be so in my own life.

To be liked by many and hated by none is bound to be a good thing, whether you live or die. I will extend a thank to all of you who consider me a friend, or who I consider a friend. Whether I live or die, know that I bear you no malice, whoever you are.