Thursday 24 January 2002

Pic of the day: In this direction at least, the nearest neighbor is pretty far away.

Only human

As you can see from yesterday's entry and some other, I have an existential problem. This is generally not a good thing. My problem is that I think of myself as a Christian and fundamentally a good guy; but objective proof indicates that neither of these is true. I am greedy, and greed is utterly incompatible with my religion. This goes to the core of the thing: As Jesus said, you can't love both God and Mammon (riches). And while I don't have much riches by today's western standards, I really like those I have. Like a computer and Internet access. Particularly that, actually. Most of the rest is optional.

It worries me somewhat that no one else seems to notice. The western world is full of churches where overfed, luxuriously clothed men and women regularly come to sing their praises to Jesus and God, who disagree strongly with their lifestyle. What is wrong with this picture? I rub my inner eyes but the vision does not go away. They are singing praises to God while doing exactly the opposite of the fairly simple commandments he gave them. And I'm in the same situation, I just have the shame to stay out of church. It certainly does not seem to have a good influence on those who go there. They somehow become convinced that they are Christians after all, even though they don't act like it. I'm not sure I want that brainwash, pleasurable though it may be.

***

It is possible I should take the Bible more literally in these matters. When it says "love thy neighbor as thyself", perhaps it means just that. Just because you know there are people suffering and starving, if they're not in your neighborhood perhaps it's none of your damned business. If God meant you to care about people living somewhere else, he would have chosen another word? Sounds good to me. Hey presto, I'm holy again. But my conscience is not impressed.

God or no God, the people are still starving. I might possibly do something about it (that's actually not so certain, but it is certain that I don't even try). This makes it my business, does it not? If I did not know, that would be OK. But I try to live by the golden rule: What I want others to do unto me, I do unto them. (And do it first.) I would most definitely have appreciated a bit of food if I were starving, even if it came from someone far away. You cannot convince me otherwise.

But I am only human. If I had been a child of God, I would not be only human. So sadly I shall have to give up that illusion. If I had been a child of God, there should be at least some sign of it by now. Perhaps I'd had his eyes or something. (They use to say that about babies, you know.) Or perhaps I do have God's eyes, and that's why I see all these things that others don't? But I don't have his heart. I like to help people, but not if it means I have to sell my computer and disconnect my phone line. I much prefer helping people by crafting chain mail for them in Camelot. Those people are like my "neighbors": They are right there, and they are the same type of people as I am (only younger). My brain says no but heart says yes. My brain says I should help the people who need it most, not those who are most like myself. But my heart says "I'm not listening, la la la la". I am told hearts do this a lot.

It sure is no easy task, being human. No wonder so many of us humans go insane sooner or later. And even those who don't, often act like it. Such as making chain armor for people who don't exist in a city that doesn't exist either. Or sitting in their fur coats singing praises to Jesus while people across the town don't know where their next meal will come from. Tell me I'm not the only one on this planet who thinks there is something strange about it.