Saturday 19 January 2002

Pic of the day: "A man cannot wear a skirt unless he comes from Scotland and can beat the tar out of anyone who laughs at him, or at least torture them to death with a bagpipe." (Screenshot from Dark Age of Camelot. As if you didn't guess.)

Manly men don't smell fruity

"L'eau par Kenzo, pour homme". A very special fragrance. Very light, very subtle, almost ethereal. And, uh, very fruity. "Pour homme"? What hombre wants to run around smelling like a FRUIT? I'm so sorry Msr. Kenzo, but I think you would have more success re-labeling it "pour homo". Real men don't smell fruity! Come on, never mind that it smells better than the competition; there just is nothing masculine about fruits. Ask Sigmund Freud. "Fruits means breasts" said old Freud, founder of psychoanalysis and all round neurotic expert. Of course, it might be kinda problematic to make guys go around and smell like umbrellas. Perhaps cucumber, but not umbrella.

Anyway, the sad fact remains. We guys must take great care to not smell, sound or look too feminine. Otherwise our peers could doubt our right to belong in the ruling class, and then what would we do? We would have to wear long knives in public or something just to reassert our masculinity. Or perhaps start driving a SUV. Something dangerous and slightly insane, for sure.

Do not believe for a moment that manliness is guaranteed just because one is born with an EUA (external urinating appendage). Oh no, it takes more than that. It is a lifelong struggle to make sure that everyone notices and respects your manliness. You have to be careful in choosing your line of work, for instance. If you can grow a healthy beard, you may go into something gender neutral such as accounting. But if you become a nurse, you should get used to people calling you "Sister Michael" or whatever your name happens to be. And don't take up dubious hobbies like quilting or embroidery unless you happen to have the physique of a pro wrestler, and are willing to use it.

In contrast, the females of the species have an easy time. I don't think about the fact that they go around dripping blood every month or so, or take a few months off to have a child instead of getting promoted to manager. All things have their price, and being able to spend your last years watering the graves of all your male classmates is probably worth a little inconvenience. ("Remember in 4th grade how you pulled my ponytail? Guess who got the last laugh, huh? Hee hee hee [mad cackle] [wheeze]")

At least no one doubts the femininity of a woman. She can be a truck driver and spend her evenings with woodcutting; but if anyone doubts her gender identity all she needs to do is wiggle and watch the surrounding males walk into street signs and shop windows. It is not fair, not fair at all.

Women can wear virtually anything, except possibly a codpiece. There are like billions of dresses and skirts and tops and whatnot, that they can wear and we can only stare. Then if they tire of that, they can suddenly turn up in a dark suit and a tie, and nobody arches a brow. A man cannot wear a skirt unless he comes from Scotland and can beat the tar out of anyone who laughs at him, or at least torture them to death with a bagpipe.[1]

[1] (Have you ever seen those things? They look the way they sound. And some people say that there is no Cthulhu ... I vaguely hope bagpipes don't smell too, but I'm not so sure. They are probably made from the old hides of cattle who have never been touched by iron, slaughtered on a moonless Friday night, in the hour after midnight. Incidentally one of my favorite instruments to listen to on the rare event that I am in a bad mood.)

***

Now that we have the right perspective, let us briefly return to Kenzo "pour homme". The smell when you open the bottle is one of freshly cut lemon. A very pure, almost abstract sour citrus fragrance. But soon after, it becomes just peachy. Well, I think it is peach. Definitely some fruit. After the initial citrus shock, the smell quickly fades and remains at that more subtle level for hours and hours. But you have to almost sniff the spot to catch it. So I guess it should be applied to places where you expect someone of the fairer sex to put their nose. I am no expert on these things, but I would assume that there is not a whole lot of such places. Correct me if I'm wrong. Somehow I can't see this as a shower gel. The idea of smelling like a fruit all over is ... disquieting.

Actually, I really like the smell, and I wouldn't mind wearing Kenzo and little else. But it would have to be during a vacation at a lonely place.