Friday 14 February 2003

Pic of the day: Picture from Jungle Wa Itsumo Hale Nochi Guu Deluxe, at the moment when the doctor asks Weda to marry him. Why doesn't a doctor ever ask me to marry her? But that's life, I guess ... (Her answer at the time, incidentally, was "No way! That's too much of a hassle!" Sounds like something I could have said, doesn't it?)

Marry me?

Since it is Valentine's Day and all, I thought I would write about marriage and stuff instead of America's latest war craze. I'm sure it will be there tomorrow too.

See, that's a great reason already why you lonely women out there should go all out to get me, the Not Quite Ideal but Pretty Good Husband. (It's not likely I'd hook up with any of you, but just to give imagination a spin!) Yes, today's topic is: Why you would want to marry me! Don't take any of this seriously, even though it is all true.

***

There's the famous freeze dry Itland humor. Actually all the boys in our family has it, but then again they're all happily married already, only little me is left. There's a lot more of it when you get to know us. It probably won't have you howling and gasping for breath unless you come to a family gathering of us; but it's a good bet that you'll laugh a lot more than I'll do. Trust me, my life is very much like my journal entries, except in real life there's the job too. At parties, people beg me to tell about my job. Especially about the elevator.

And I'm friendly too! In fact, when playing The Sims I have to turn the "friendly" bar all the way up in order for my simulated Itland to behave the way I do. (Except I don't tickle people the first time we meet. Really, I don't.) I give gifts without provocation. I give compliments for no other reason than that they're true. And it's rare that I don't find anything good about someone, especially women and children. I forgive human errors easily, and don't expect people to get it right all the time. Even if you mess up, I'll still be your friend. I don't expect the world from a human, you know. ^_^

I pay my own bills. I cannot offer you a life in luxury, at least by western standards; you would have to pay for that yourself. But I won't cost you anything either. I'm used to paying my own way, and I use to have a little to share. We could probably feed a kid or two too, at least until they become teens and need lots of money for label clothes, car repair, drugs and booze.

Of course, unless you bring your own full set of kids, there's the small matter of sex. Ahem. I'm male. Not impressively so, I admit, but there's no mistaking it once one comes to the peel part. I'd need some preparation for this I guess, so please don't just throw any surprise parties or ring my doorbell and ask me to make love, OK? A couple months should be enough, I think. And if you don't get pregnant right away, we'll just try again next month! It's kind of scary, but I've gone over it a lot in the years that have gone since I was 17 and I think I could do it. Bring your own duct tape, and I'll bring the strawberry jam.

You know you want my smart genes for your next kids, right? That way, they'll fit right in when the Future arrives. The Future, as you may remember, is 20 years from now. Prepare your kid's genes accordingly! At no extra cost.

Wanna cuddle? Of course you do! 74% of women like cuddling better than sex. Well, of course. It is better. No sweating and grunting required. I'd be happy to play with your hair (if any) or gently stroke your arm while we watch an exciting Go match on the PC. Humans are great pets, they shed a lot less and don't leave small dead animals on the carpet. If you miss a furry pet, I've got really hairy legs too.

***

Now for the final decisive blows. Prepare yourself. Expect the unexpected. Believe the impossible! Trust no one ... Oops, wrong tape.

I don't drink my milk from the carton. (Except at work, and that doesn't count. Or if I want to cut loose and be really evil, but not every year.)

I put the toilet seat down. I'm not lying, I can provide you with JPG files to prove it! Every day. This is not quite as astounding as it would seem: There are actually times when a man has to sit down too. I'll be happy to teach you about male physiology if you want. But anyway, as the only known man to leave the seat down, I think that's a pretty good selling point.

And now for the final crushing move: I've always got chocolate in the house. Always. At all times. I don't eat it all up, but keep a reasonable supply constantly. Ain't that ... sweet?

Good luck with your manhunting! Ha! The bell has struck midnight, Valentine's Day is over! Toooo bad ... for you.