Friday 15 February 2002

Pic of the day: Summing up my sides. (Screenshot from The Sims, where I live out my fantasy about having lots of bodies. Don't I wish...)

1+1 still =1

... for sufficiently small initial values of 1, as my mathematically interested readers will be sure to point out.

Anyway, as the more musically inclined majority have probably guessed, I stumbled upon the song "One and one" again. I once bought a whole CD (by "Robert Miles") mostly for that song. Actually this rendition by Edyta Gorniak is far more understandable. "Look how far we have come; one and one still is one..." OK, perhaps understandable wasn't quite the right word. But it did at least inspire this entry. Not that you would notice.

***

Looking back, I guess I have changed over these three and a half year that I have written an online "diary". Some things still remain the same, though. So here is a little status report as of today.

Love: I have accepted that I truly love my best friend. I have also accepted that I love her as my best friend. I guess I doubted that could be a valid reason to love someone so much, but it is. That she is a stunningly attractive woman now is certainly no big loss, but it's not what motivates me. We were friends when she looked much worse, and when she was just a girl. My motives may not be angelic pure and untainted, but they are basically good and built on rock. The taint is nothing more than must be expected when we're both still in the flesh; indeed, far less.

Sex: I used to be very skeptical of that kind of thing. OK, a bit scared I guess. It was like skating to me: Something that I might possibly master if I was willing to get hurt and embarassed a lot first, but I wasn't. Now I have a much more positive view of the sexual expression of love. But I still don't have any such myself, and some time during these last few years I guess I have finally realized deep down that it's way too late to take up that now. I failed my first pass, and there comes a point of no return. This frees up a bit of time and thought, as you can expect if you have ever known a man.

Romance: I used to think that was just a kind of protracted foreplay. I realize now that many people stuff a lot more meaning into it. And some don't, giving rise to a lot of disappointment and confusion. I still don't consider it worthwhile, personally. Though I'd certainly be available for a date, if we were both aware that it was just for fun and target practice...

Religion: I guess to some extent I experience in my religion what other people experience in romance: A sense of belonging. Not being alone. Someone who is there for me, and who I live for. It kind of surprises me that other Christians seem to be like other people in this respect ... how can they possibly feel alone, and how can they possibly give their heart to a human when it's already elsewhere? Not that I am a saint by any means, but then again I would probably have been a pretty unexciting spouse too. Passion, whether religious or sensual, is simply not my style. But so far it seems to me that Heaven is the highest bidder.

Family: Well, my mother is dead. Departed, whatever. That's a change, but not unexpected in any way. I did not miss her when she lived, nor did she miss me, to the best of my knowledge. I suspect that it is from her I have my casual disregard for spacetime. I am a bit surprised by how human the rest of my family seems, though, and I must admit that it disturbs me a bit. It's like they still feel some connection to me, after all these years, and even though I have done nothing to encourage it. They are all good people, but they all live way beyond the pale in the trackless fjords and mountains. I could be in America faster than there, though it would be slightly more expensive. Yet, they are all good people. I just can't see how I can be of any use to them. I live in such a different world now.

Work: Well, I'm not allowed to even write about my workplace anymore. I guess the smart reader will understand what that says about the relationship. Actually, that's not quite right: I was requested, insistently but informally, to stop writing about the workplace. And in my high-minded nobility, I granted their request. That's just the kind of guy I am. But if I get 1 more e-mail virus from a boss spying on my site from home, all bets are off.

Well, there's probably more to say, but even thinking about work totally ruined my mood. I'm off to crush some skulls. Oh, that reminds me ...

Games: My taste in games has not changed much, but the games themselves are more impressive these days. In particular there are two venues of progress: More detailed graphics, and more connectivity. The two trends have combined in such games as my current favorite, Dark Age of Camelot. But in terms of gameplay, very little has happened. I despair at artificial intelligence ever being a match for human stupidity. But as long as we can play over the Internet with human players, there will never be a shortage of creativity. Or at least randomness.

Fiction: The more detailed and complex games seems to have taken some of the pressure out of my creativity. I feel less compelled to write fiction than I did, and the attempts I make tend to fizzle sooner. Not that I finished them in the past either, so it does not make much of a difference.