Monday 11 February 2002

Pic of the day: ...a haze of tiredness, chill and pain.

Daymare

I meant to go to work earlier than usual today, to finish a job I had started on Friday. This would indeed have been a good thing, but it did not come to pass. Quite the opposite. I fell asleep in my chair. It only got worse from there.

It is a nice enough chair, but not really built for sleeping more than short naps. The knees are angled in an unnatural way, and I woke up with aching knees. Somehow I managed to drag myself to the bedroom, where I collapsed on top of the bed in my clothes. I proceeded to dream, long vivid and unpleasant dreams.

The dreams were not telling a coherent story, though they did go on for quite a while. I remember being in a tiny boat on a large, ice cold, fast running river. It was a sudden flood, there was much destruction and it was growing. Our own future in the boat was uncertain to say the least, the worst probably before us.

I remember being in a supermarket and a small child was lost, and nobody seemed to care, not even its mother. There were other sequences like this, sequences of chaos and cold, always cold. I woke up shivering from the cold. I dragged myself back to the living room. It should be warm enough here, but I was still shivering.

I tried to upload yesterday’s diary, which was written but not yet uploaded. I think I managed, but I was only half aware of what I did. My fingers remembered the password and commands, but I got at least one of the file names wrong and had to redo. It was hard to read the screen. The words failed to stand out, they seemed blurred and incoherent. I finally got through it, though, because I really really wanted to.

I was still so cold. I went to check the thermometer, it showed 22 degrees Celsius, which is slightly on the hot side. (In offices 18 degrees is recommended, at home 21 if I remember correctly. I sure don’t usually have it any warmer than this.) It struck me that I might be running a fever. I found a fever thermometer and somehow endured 5 minutes of unpleasant frozen half-consciousness. It showed 35.5 degrees C, where 37 is normal body temperature. Evidently my body was trying to hibernate ...

I fell asleep once again, and woke up just before I might catch a later bus. I still felt pretty shaky, but I managed to get out (still shivering with cold) and to the bus. The exercise must have helped heat up the body more than the cold air chilled it. I spent the bus trip in a mix of sleep and meditation, blissfully free of the vivid dreams earlier.

***

I wondered, afterwards. If I get to live to old age, is this how it will be? Spending my days in a haze, vaguely remembering that I once used to be able to read rapidly and understood what I read, that I once used to be able to think clearly, but now it’s gone ... and this time for good? Aware mostly of my bodily discomfort, aching joints and chill and tiredness. Falling asleep when I don’t want to, waking up when I don’t want to. Feeling unable to do what I ought to do, a taste of failure and bitter defeat.

I think of my mother’s last years. Not all that different from millions of others, I guess, except that it wasn’t quite that gradual. The cancers in her brain grew slowly and had to be removed by surgery, one surgery at a time. And of course she started higher. She was exceptionally intelligent; and unlike me, it seems she never turned her back on her telepathy and ESP. Yet she lost everything, piece by piece. We all do, except those who suddenly die, which is not so great either. Still, I hope I’ll embark of the greatest of adventures with a bit more consciousness than a haze of tiredness, chill and pain. (Not that I am in any hurry to depart, mind you. I intend to cling to life kicking and screaming till the last.)

Being mortal sucks. I sure hope that’s fixed in the final release of Real Life. I hear that's the news from the creator, but it's been a while.

***

Sometimes, when we're together,
I feel you're hurting inside.
I hope you sometime will tell me;
I've told you all the things on my mind.
Ever, don't ever deny me:
You shiver, you shiver like a leaf.
I hold you, close to my heart;
I touch you, don't let us be apart.

Infinity: Hold me, from the CD www.happy-people.net. Uh, yeah, right.