Wednesday 29 December 2004

Pic of the day: "I wish I had a body" says the 1000 year old ghost. Well, I have a body, and I'm very happy about that. (Screenshot from the anime Hikaru no Go again.)

Small steps, but steps

Back to me again! It's all about me, after all. It would be pretentious to write a journal on behalf of the world, and I think I have said most of the wise stuff over the past five years. You should be able to reach enlightenment by reading my archives. ^_^ OK, perhaps not, but still, there is plenty of gray matter.

I still haven't reached enlightenment by playing Go, though, or achieved the Hand of God. As a matter of fact, I get humiliated regularly by my pocket PC, which I have taken to calling "Sai" after the 1000 year old ghost of the world's greatest Go player as seen in the anime Hikaru no Go. Actually GnuGo for the Pocket PC isn't at a pro level at all, it is me who suck at playing. But like Hikaru with that ghost, I now have a merciless Go teacher with me wherever I, uhm, go. I just wish the program would explain how it was thinking.

In lieu of that, I have been reading up on openings and various formations on the Sensei's Library. This hasn't had such a profound impact on me, I am still losing pretty quickly. But now and then I get an idea of how I am losing. I rewind move by move and see how I fall into the trap, although I have no idea how to avoid it, much less how to trap my opponent. Still, I learn a little. If I were to live for a thousand years, I might actually get pretty good at this! ^_^*

Also, I connect to IGS, the Internet Go Server (pandanet) and watch the shortest, simplest games they play there. But what I really need is to play someone who can explain how they think. I have absorbed more theory over the course of this fad, but it does not connect with what I do. Then again, this is how most people have it with religion, isn't it? I should not be discouraged over having a human trait. For years, I did want to become more human again, after all. But things don't always come when we chase them. Sometimes they chase us when we run away.

***

To that effect, I just noticed this song that occurs at the end of each episode of Hikaru no Go from around episode 30 and a while. I think the first time I watched the series, in February 2003, I didn't "get" this song. I was if anything irritated that they had replaced the catchy and uplifting song that used to end each episode for the first few story arcs. Perhaps I just skipped it for the most part. By now the song makes sense to me, although I don't know why they would choose that particular song for a cheerful, optimistic series like this. Well, I suppose it is for the last line. But is this really the only song they could find that ended with that line? As I watch it now, it seems a lot more relevant to me than to Hikaru.

These feelings I want to tell you
are spilling out right now.
But I'm hesitating, not knowing
how to put it into words...
So many seasons passed by since we met;
I miss the times we stayed up all night talking.
As I walk towards my dreams,
I learn what vanity is.
Let us each start our departure here:
I'm not like I was before.
I won't give up anymore, I'll keep walking,
no matter what the future is...
So that I can become stronger.

So strange that I did not notice then, when I was in the middle of this "departure". Yes, so many seasons since we first met: Half my life, really, we have known each other. And I do miss those nights of talking, I do, probably always will. I am not really really immune to missing things, or even missing people. That was just another illusion. I am just less affected by it than most people, well than almost any non- autist I guess. But yeah, it was good. And now I can see clearly that my "departure" was good also. I am not like I was before. I was being held back, afraid of letting go. But I'm moving now. Those years were not wasted, not at all. I have learned what vanity is. Those happy days of shopping, learning to judge colors and qualities, to see through human eyes. I am glad I was there, with the friends I had. In the end their goals were different from mine. In the end, even her goal was different from mine, and so we walk very different paths. But it was a good time.

Will I ever have friends again? Friends I can talk with, friends I can laugh with? I don't know. But it is not guaranteed that I will die early; very few people in my families have done. For all I know, I might live for decades. And at the speed I live, that would be an immense span of time indeed. Even a year from now I may have entered yet another new path. Who knows? I am open for the future, if any. I wish to take it as it comes, to grasp at any opportunities it may give me. "The night comes when no one can work." But that just means that I have to live while I do it. And to me, living life to the fullest is not to passively receive pleasure; having the teat put to your mouth is for the newly born. To learn, to teach, to create ... that's adult life for me. Perhaps I will meet people who see it that way too. If so, I am not so proud of my solitude that I won't be happy for their company.

But for now ... perhaps I'll get a little stronger at Go. Then something else again. Life is change. I can be still in the grave, may it yet be far off!