Saturday 20 December 2003

Pic of the day: "The doctor's working day and night" ... have a nice day at work. Not sure if I have used this picture before, it's been a long time since I have played with this character in The Sims. I picked it from my next-to-previous computer.

The breaking

How do I say this? I was not even sure what color to make this entry, green or black. But if I thought it was sad enough to deserve a black entry, I guess I wouldn't have done it. Or rather, I would have done it instead of not doing it. OK, let us start from one end here.

"SuperWoman", who I usually have referred to as my best friend, called about Christmas. I told her I was not coming. She did not sound really shocked, but not outright happy about it either. Most for my sake, I think; and it is after all a tradition. I cannot remember how many years I have spent the holiday with her family, but it's a lot. It started while we were neighbors for sure, and that's quite a while already. Breaking traditions is hard to do. Especially at Christmas, I guess. Then again, what would I know? I don't even celebrate Christmas. Well, not really. But that's a story in itself. I shall save that for another day, if any.

***

A major cause for my decision was the fact that she will be working until late in the day on Christmas Eve (which is the Big Day here in Norway, I guess we are an impatient lot...) and then work again the next evening. Not that she shouldn't ... she has an important job after all. And the rest of the family are kinda friends too. I would even had the chance to meet again the very likable midwife, or Great Earth Mother as I call her. Of course it was not a decision I made lightly.

Tradition, once broken, never heals. Even a broken leg can become stronger than it was before, but this is not such a small thing as a leg. I guess this is it, not just for her but for the whole family. But then again, I guess this has been it for a long while.

We used to be neighbors, practically. I used to spend at least a couple evenings each week at their home. Even after they moved, we kept in touch. And when she studied abroad, we would speak on the phone, sometimes for an hour or more. (And we both disliked phones at the time.) But Time, the Great Devourer, has sucked the marrow out of our friendship. Lately, we don't even mail each other. And we don't see each other more than twice a year. Do you have any idea how long half a year is for me? Time flows differently for me, even now.

(On a related note, have you ever wondered how people can say that time flies so fast, it was just Christmas and now it is Christmas again, and the kids were just small and now they are grown up ... and then when it is time to do some task that only gets done once a year at the office, they have forgotten all about it and I have to try to remember it, I to whom a year is enough time to see civilizations rise and fall? OK, that's in Civ3, but still.)

***

I guess I hoped that things would somehow go back to the way they were. I knew they wouldn't, but hope has great strength against knowledge. Even two years ago I wrote about my "pointless wish" to have a female friend who I could relax together with and have fun in an innocent way. That wasn't pure imagination, of course. It was based on memory. But to be reminded of what was, and what might have continued to be, for a few hours... and then have to leave it again, like a wonderful meal that is set before you just before you have to run to catch the last train...

I don't want to spend a lot of money and time just to see her and then leave. I am not like a drug addict, whose life revolves around the next fix. In the past, it has been worth it. But this time the price was too high and the reward too small. It sounds kind of cruel to put it that way, but I have friends around the globe who I would visit at one time or another if I were willing to sacrifice enough for it. Not to mention my birth family. There is always a cost/benefit analysis going on in the brain. And if you stretch the thread too thin, sooner or later it will break.

I am most sorry because I feel for sure that this is a final goodbye. It did not have to be, but we have moved so far apart – both literally and figuratively – that I am hard-pressed to think of another excuse now to get together, after this.

***

The phone call today was short, a simple exchange of facts. So there was no opportunity to say farewell. There was no opening for me to say "thank you" for all the bright moments through all the years. And even had there been such an opportunity, I am not sure I could have done it. Big words are not for people like us. We were children at heart, and childhood's end is cause for celebration, not for the tears that come to my eyes.

For this moment – I knew it was coming – I have treasured this song. I still think it will go into a novel one day. But right now, I am taking a break from romance novels. My apologies, to my faithful readers. But for now, the song, again.

The reality may be especially hard to face
after spending those innocent moments together.
I remember my heart was pounding
when we played carelessly,
but we can't go back to that place now.
Let us start walking from here,
with the treasures in our hands!
With your warmth
and memories of everyone in my dream,
I will go on.

(Exit song for the anime series To Heart.)