Since it is still fairly recent that my REALLY personal blog parted ways with my VAGUELY personal blog, I’ll link to this entry here: ENOUGH MONEY FOR NOW
It is only for people who are more interested in me than in the things I am interested in, and I hope these are few.
She’s so high, high above me…
As I mentioned yesterday, I have finished reading Fire Within and legally acquired Life, St Teresa’s autobiography of a sorts. I just barely begun it today.
In seemingly unrelated news, I went to get a much needed haircut. While sitting there, I heard a song that I could not catch the lyrics of, but somehow felt I really wanted to find out. It turned out to be the somewhat misleadingly named “She’s so high” – it actually has nothing to do with drugs. It is obviously about some guy who is befriended by a woman who is superior to him in every measure humans in this world can think of. A song could hardly be less relevant to me, who would not now want to be joined to a human if I could, nor could if I wanted to. I’ve been playing the song like 20 times now. OK, make that 30.
But somehow I can’t believe
That anything should happen
I know where I belong
And nothing’s gonna happen
‘Cause she’s so high
High above me, she’s so lovely
She’s so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Aphrodite
She’s so high, high above me…
It amuses me no end. I know it wasn’t meant that way. But why should the Devil have all the good music?
Anyway, I take the company of St Teresa over Cleopatra any day. St Teresa is really awesome! And in this book, she really tries to show herself as a human of flesh and blood, not some saint in the sky with diamonds. It is pretty clear however that the vague sins of her youth are such as most people would consider utterly harmless. That doesn’t say much, of course; most of us are unspeakably coarse.
And that’s what I mean when I say she’s so high, high above me. Like somewhere in the eight dimension or something, I imagine. Anyway, I feel I could not catch up to her in a million years. (This is quite likely true as well.) Why do I even bother? I am honestly not sure. Â But it does bother me, like a long forgotten memory triggered by a faint smell, wordless, images too fleeting to catch but a sense of recognition.
Writing short reviews of my books takes a surprising amount of time. In part this is because I write, erase it all, and start over. Â It seems I have another of my fads, this time a book fad. It gets to the point that I read while playing The Sims 3, and after a while I realize that I may as well stop playing.
The worst to review are the Happy Science books. Some of these have been really useful to me, but on the other hand there is the risk that people who read them may run off and worship Ryuho Okawa as God and Buddha. This seems to happen fairly frequently with people who have found his books helpful.
The New Year is about to begin. Somewhat arbitrarily, as usual.
The length of the day and of the year are physical constants, beyond our control. But the beginning of them is arbitrarily chosen by men. For instance, we consider the day to begin at midnight, but observant Jews see it begin at  sunset. And the start of the year is owed to Julius Caesar and Pope Gregory, at the very least. Even though at least one Pope was involved, I have heard no rumor that divine intervention was ever claimed. People just decided.
So we are stuck with the New Year’s Day of some long dead people. That does not exactly inspire me to consider the change of the year an important event in my life. But hey, it is another occasion to write. ^_^
Usually my New Year’s resolution is to not have any resolutions, but rather to change my life immediately if I find that it needs changing. It would be too bad to delay something good and useful just because of some long dead people!
Today I do have resolutions, but they are not entirely new. (I guess the name is a bit ironic in itself: Re-solution, as in the same solution over again.) I guess you could say these resolutions are slowly crystallizing. (When a solution evaporates, it often causes the solid content to crystallize out, for instance salt water makes small, pretty salt crystals. I did this as a kid.)
So this is my plan: Each day I will do something that would make an atheist wince, if he could see it. (I have every intention of never letting them see it unless it be in dire emergency, of course, since my religion forbids it.) After all, I already do things that would make a saint wince if he saw it, so I suppose I should try to level the playing field a bit.
Mind you, this is not an attack on science (one of my favorite interests) or even on impersonal spirituality. I believe impersonal spirituality is a valid path, but I am not absolutely sure. It is not my path, after all, and it would be foolish to talk with great pathos about another man’s path.
Sim-Tuva and Tor the robot. The girl in the picture is the paper girl, I have no recent pictures of Jannikke.
From 4 dimensions to 2: Â In Meadow Glen, Sim-Tuva has moved out from the small barn with the three basements, together with her young adult daughter Jannikke and the family robot, Tor. They also took most of the cash, while Sim-Magnus kept the paintings and sculptures and the time machine. Actually they just moved into a neighboring house, a big one with a large garden.
Sim-Magnus wanted to concentrate on meditation and writing his books. He enjoys the solitude, although he will eventually get a new robot.
Contrary to what the picture may imply, Sim-Tuva was not kept around merely for her decorative backside. Beside their long-standing friendship, Sim-Tuva and Sim-Magnus also complemented each other (not complimented, although that happened too). She is an excellent cook and loves making beds and cleaning the house. Sim-Magnus brought home lots of money as a famous scientist and educator, and  had the ability to brighten the day and give interesting talks. But in the end, Sim-Tuva is going to start a new life together with the robot, and Jannikke is looking to start a family of her own with one of the elder vampires in town.
So no, this does not really reflect anything in the real world. Â I guess I just include it to show that I am not living entirely in Heaven gazing on esoteric secrets. At least not yet.
In our inner life, concupiscence is the part that is always eager to try out some expected pleasure, common sense be damned. If our will agrees, sin is conceived, meaning “mistake”, “error”, “missing the goal”. When the sin is mature, it causes death – the removal of our link to eternity, so that our physical death becomes an end to the meaning of our life. Apart from the actual vocabulary, I think any serious religion or spiritual philosophy will recognize this. Not all have a word for it though.
I learned a new word! That’s not often. Actually, I had a kind of vague idea of what it meant and would not have fundamentally misunderstood the text; I have a talent for that, absorbing words from context. But in this case it was pretty specialized: “Concupiscence.” I am mildly surprised that my spell checker recognizes it, even.
The only places I have seen this word, that I can remember, is in Catholic theology (or psychology, I guess, since it is about the human soul; God has none of it). Concupiscence is our natural tendency to want the wrong things. The word is indeed related to “cupid” and sexual lust is one of the typical ways this manifests, but it is not so limited. The tendency to seek pleasure in this world in any form outside of God’s will falls under concupiscence. Â So it is pretty nearly a description of my whole life up until now. 0_O
In the Christian Church at Brunstad, we called this “the sin in the flesh”. Unlike Protestants, we believed that it is not a sin that condemns, until we give in to it. Rather it is a tendency to sin, and because of this it is really hard to live a pure life. But some people become free from it, bit by bit, eventually. Not many, it seems, but some.
Strangely, it seems the Catholic view is more similar to ours (for I still hold this belief, though without the specific vocabulary, which is too saturated for modern man. Mention “sin” and an elaborate defense mechanism is triggered, ending any rational discourse; so I rarely use the word when explaining how we humans keep hurting ourselves. Like it or hate it, language changes over time. In Norway today, “sin” means “sex”, more or less, and I hear this is getting common in America as well.)
Speaking of which, a quote from the Catholic Encyclopedia: “Hence desires contrary to the real good and order of reason may, and often do, rise in it, previous to the attention of the mind, and once risen, dispose the bodily organs to the pursuit and solicit the will to consent, while they more or less hinder reason from considering their lawfulness or unlawfulness. This is concupiscence in its strict and specific sense.” Bodily organs to the pursuit! Oh, the stories one could tell.
***
The word became a lot easier to remember once I realized the “cupid” part. It reminded me of the American matching site OKCupid, of which I have been a member since before City of Heroes came out. I know this, because the reason I joined them was a City of Heroes quiz an online friend linked to, and it was based on the Alpha build of CoH. It was already changed when I took part in the closed beta, so it must have been around 8 years ago.
Anyway, that was how I came to OKCupid, and I am not sure it even was called that at the time. It started – as far as I knew, at least – as a collection of quizzes of all kinds. The idea was that people who had similar results on the quizzes would be interested in getting to know each other, I think. It has developed into a full-fledge dating site, including a mobile app that finds users near you (if they consent to being found). But it is still full of quizzes and questionnaires, so you can hang out there without outing yourself as a desperate loser. “I am just here for the quizzes.” Â Actually, that’s more or less what I write in my bio. I certainly don’t need a puny human or its shallow interests. ^_^
But even so, I have plenty of concupiscence of various kinds. It is just that it doesn’t really lend itself well to dating sites. Computer games, on the other hand… I am still occasionally looking for that Fluffy Tails mod for Skyrim. They had one for the previous game, after all. No matter what your concupiscence, the Internet will deliver!
Two of these are different.
Now for the reason why I was in the electronics supermarket in the first place. You see, the last few weeks the light bulbs in this house have started dying off at an alarming rate. See the picture above? In it, there is only one of the original light bulbs left, the one to the right of the dead one, the one with the yellower light. You know what? Between me taking that picture earlier this week and now, it went out too. On the other hand, I have replaced the one that is lacking in the picture.
What is even more disturbing than them going out merely days apart, is that they did so one after another with the clock, always the one to the side of the newest bulb, always the same side. It is like a conspiracy.  Is it a mysterious message from beyond the universe? If so, I don’t understand it, so I’ll just ignore it. Write clearer messages if it is important, Beyond The Universe!
Lamps like these are actually ideal for the new LED age. You see, one big difference between LED and incandescent bulbs is how they handle high output. This is more or less the default for the old type of bulbs, although technology has made available small, weak bulbs for flashlights etc eventually. The first ones, however, were big. With LED (light emitting diodes) it is the other way around. The first were the tiny on/off lights on electronic equipment, barely visible in daylight. New technology has increased the output, as well as the energy consumption.
The largest direct replacement LED bulbs I could find were 7W, which corresponds roughly to 40W incandescent. There will probably be stronger ones eventually, but it won’t be easy. Basically you make stronger bulbs by cramming in more diodes and using blue light, which is converted to white by the coating. Â But weaker lights are cheaper to make and more energy efficient. You can retain the higher efficiency, but at the cost of changing the shape of the bulb to get more diodes, for instance in a long rod in the middle of the bulb. But if you want to keep the same shape and size, there are limits currently to how strong they can be.
That’s where lamps with multiple weak bulbs come in handy. They put out plenty of light, but they don’t do so all at one point. 3W LED bulbs easily replace a 25W bulb of similar size and shape, shave almost nine tenths of the electricity cost, and last for 30 years. Or that’s what they say – the technology has not actually been around for that long. Actually there is no reason why they should not last for a century, but unfortunately I am unlikely to find out.
You may have heard about how incandescent bulbs were made with planned obsolescence through a conspiracy among bulb makers. There is a long and seemingly reasonable video freely available on the Net revealing the conspiracy, which stretches decades back. Reality is slightly different. Not that there wasn’t a conspiracy, but it was a conspiracy of standardization rather than simply exploitation.
You see, with incandescent bulbs, longevity comes at a cost. Two costs, actually. For bulbs to last longer, you need a slightly thicker filament (the glowing wire part). The thinner it is, the more fragile. But the thicker it is, the less efficient. You get less light per watt with a thicker, sturdier filament. This isn’t rocket science: The copper wire that leads to your lamp does not shine in the dark and does not melt off the plastic insulation. Because it is much thicker and offers less resistance, it does not even grow hot. The thinner and the more resistance, the hotter and brighter. So you can have incandescent bulbs with longer life, but a higher utility bill or less brightness. The companies standardized on a certain proportion, the 1000 hours bulb. It may not have been incidental that it also got them more sales, but why would they have less sales when the utility companies reaped the difference?
In any case, with LED bulbs having a lifespan of 15, 20 or even 30 years, there is no economic incentive to planned obsolescence at all. By then, the current leadership of the company is likely to be gone, the shareholders will also have changed, even many of the employees. There is simply no point in adding the electronics to keep track of the age of the bulb and make it go poof after 20 years. So it is more likely it will still shine brightly when you and I, dear reader, have both gone to our eternal home and moss covers our headstone, if any.
But if, as I sincerely hope, my eternal home waits until well after I have left this particular house, I’ll probably bring my LED bulbs along, or at least as many as there are lamps in the next domicile. Not that I have any in the sight right now. It’s up to the landlord now – the rent is up for revision at the turn of the year, and if he is too greedy, I’m out. With my LED bulbs, Light willing.
“One does not simply walk away from Skyrim” – picture commemorating the scene in Lord of the Rings where it is said, “One does not simply walk into Mordor”. Â Unless I misremember, that was more or less what happened.
I’ve had a lot of fun with Skyrim, and could probably continue that way for some hours a day for the rest of my natural lifespan. That, however, would not be a good idea. I am more mature now than I was during the years spent in Daggerfall. There is more sense of urgency in my life. Not in an outward way, I don’t really have any ambitions in this world in the form of career, family or prestige. I mean inwardly, the transformation of the soul.
Also my precious few readers. I want to be here for you, of course. ^_^
The dissonance between the violence and sorcery and other hellish things in that lower world on one hand, and on the other hand the life and thoughts of the saints I am studying, well, something has to give. I may or may not return to the game for one reason or another (the screenshots for example) but right now, I’m starting to walk out of Skyrim, following the light.
I used to pretty actively avoid anything related to Christmas. But…
Last year in December something strange happened: I began wanting to hear Christmas songs. I have never had a strong dislike for them, except the “holiday” songs that are so obviously genericked there is no meaning left, just feel-good words added to feel-good tunes. But I have not in my memory craved Christmas songs before, even in my childhood. Last year at this time I did. And this year it happened again.
What I crave is specifically the good old Christmas songs that my parents and grandparents knew, back when no one was worried that Christmas might offend the various other religions and degrees of lack thereof. Not that they necessarily are all “Hail Jesus”, although that is good too, but some of them are actually only tangentially related to Christmas as such.
There is just something heavenly about a good Christmas song. They feel similar to me as those pious Catholic books I mentioned yesterday. In a world where everything changes all the time, there are some things that deserve to be actively brought along from the past into the future.
This is what real conservatism is, of course, to conserve good things from the great procession of generations that have passed through this life ahead of us. I understand that in the USA, the word “conservative” has gotten a rather different meaning. Well, with the USA holding less than 5% of the world’s population, I’m afraid they can’t be allowed to define my words for me, especially now in the waning years of that once great nation.
So yeah, I guess my enjoyment of Christmas songs far older than I am means I have turned into a kind of conservative. But I am not a full-fledged Christmas conservative. I have no plans to buy a tree and decorate my home and bake cookies and arrange parties. And I may still spend Christmas Day in Skyrim, although it is not absolutely certain. At least Skyrim is sure to have snow! Perhaps I should replace the game’s music files with Christmas songs… Nah. I think some things are better separately.
Now that you have Spotify in America, you can perhaps hear some of my Christmas favorites! I am pretty sure all of these are older than my parents, probably much older. Obviously then, they are in Norwegian. You should still be able to get the feeling from them.
A light in the darkness – in the dark blueness in the non-darkness… what is this, I don’t even…
It is no secret that I have loved LED (light-emitting diode) lamps almost since they were in the labs. They appeal to my “because it can be done” side. I latched on to LED flashlights and head lamps almost as sure as they came in the shop. But only this year have LED bulbs become reasonably affordable and available here in Norway, and this is the first house I systematically set out to replace incandescent bulbs with them when the former attain their planned obsolescence. This summer I replaced the one in the bathroom, then in fall one in the kitchen, and today one in the bath and one in the living room. They still cannot replace the main light in a working room, such as my home office, but are great for smaller lamps.
While in the shop I came across one LED lamp with 768 colors and remote control. Needless to say, there is no reason to buy that. It probably requires illegal drugs to fully enjoy even if one is young*. But I bought it anyway. Because it could be done. A lightbulb with uncountably many colors and a remote. I love living in an alternate future.
*) I still have my lava lamp. But I only enjoy it partially!